These car accessories say one thing: You are trying too hard to be cool

A stroll through the local Canadian Tire parking lot and store reveals what is wrong with car culture today. Guys and car-makers are trying too hard to be cool, and that is just sad.

Consider these sure signs of trying too hard, and avoid them:

Roo Bars

Attention Range Rover, Cadillac Escalade, and Audi Q7 owners: going on an African lion safari, are we? Or do you plan on partaking in the Jeep Jamboree? Why else would you adorn the front end of your six-figure luxury yachts with roo bars – those tubular metal poles that are essentially glorified cow-catchers. Put another way, the zombie apocalypse is a fictional construct.

Bumper Stickers

Funny sayings that were borderline amusing when first coined decades ago (i.e., “Gas, grass, or ass – nobody rides for free”) now amount to so much inane, clichéd tripe. As well, nobody cares that your car climbed Mount Washington and that “McCain/Palin ’08” sticker now looks so sad…

The Colour Silver

Ok, not really an accessory, but this colour just isn’t cool anymore. Silver was futuristic cool when it started showing up on Audis and Porsches a few decades ago. News alert to all trendsetters: these days even minivans come in silver. Translation: as colours go, silver – which is, let’s face it, astonishingly boring and bland – long ago jumped the colour palate sharknado.

Alphanumeric Vehicle Names

Remember the good ol’ days when just about every car had a proper name? Barracuda, Thunderbird, Wildcat, Firebird, and so on. These days – especially in the imported luxury segment – soul-destroying alphanumeric nameplates rule (Porsche 911 is the exception). And so we have such roll-off-the-tongue zingers as RX450h, XC90, and SLK350. No band is going to make a song about a car named the RX450h…

Window stickers featuring Calvin Peeing on Competitor’s Automotive logo

So Chevy Silverado Guy gets a window sticker with Calvin peeing on Ford’s blue oval while Ford F-150 Fellow gets Calvin peeing on the bowtie logo of Chevrolet. Do you really hate the other brand that much? Really?

Fake Bull Testicles on Pickup Truck Trailer Hitches

Two questions: 1. Who came up with this idea? 2. Who are the people who think it’s such a good idea that they’ll fork over their hard-earned money to buy a set? Actually, a third question – ahem – arises: do you think that guy in the Hemi-powered Ram 3500 Laramie Longhorn is just maybe overcompensating for something just a little bit by displaying fake bull balls?

Car Alarms

Seriously, what is one supposed to do upon hearing a car alarm blaring? Call the cops or reach for a set of ear plugs? Car alarms – some of which seem to get triggered by the flatulence emitting from a passing squirrel – are completely useless gizmos that only excel in generating quality-of-life-destroying sonic torture.

Oversized Spoilers

Honda sells a gazillion Civics every year, so how does a Civic coupe owner make his ride stand out from all the others? Well, by merely affixing a spoiler with dimensions suggesting it belongs stern of a Learjet. Such a shame so many other Civic owners do exactly the same thing.

Crap Hanging from Rear-View Mirrors

Be it a crucifix or a compact disc, it seems counter-productive to hang various knickknacks from the rear-view mirror, which tend to swing merrily about creating a distraction while also blocking a certain percentage of the windshield (you know – that big pane of glass that allows you to see things such as pedestrians, cyclists and other motorists?) Worst rear-view accessory ever spotted: a full-size Mexican sombrero hanging from the mirror of a Chevrolet cargo van.

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