Bruce is not interested in Pina Coladas or long walks in the rain. Bruce likes speed. Huge, continent-conquering, vision-blurring, atmosphere-shredding speed. He menaces from the curbside, swathed in matte-grey paint like an apocalyptic rendering escaped from the laptop of some deranged digital artist.
Of course, BMW doesn’t call this machine The Bruce. They refer to it as “The M6 Gran Coupe,” which is quite stupid because:
a) it’s not really a 6-series, being based on the 7-series limousine,
b) it’s not a coupe because, by definition, coupes only have two doors, and
c) it’s certainly not appropriate for anyone’s gran.
So, an idiotic name from the people who bring you stuff like the X6 xDrive35i. Who’d have thunk it? Let’s just call him Bruce.
Along with steamroller-wide 20” wheels, pizza-plate carbon-ceramic brakes, and generally priapic styling cues, Bruce has a carbon-fibre roof. Carbon-fibre, as you well know, is a weight-savings tool, and here it’s about as effective as Israel Kamakawiwo’ole removing his hat. Bruce weighs in at a pavement-crushing 4430lbs—about as much as a Titanoboa after consuming the entire starting lineup of the New England Patriots and a 1967 Mercury Montcalm.
Oozing into the fighter-jet M-division multifunction seats and settling in the gorgeous, leather-lined cockpit reveals a staggering amount of buttons to press. The centre-console screen flicks through submenu after submenu, until you stumble across the section that’s tied to the M button on the steering wheel.
In normal mode, the car drives like a sleeker version of the wafty seven-series. Flick all the controls to maximum attack, activate the M-dynamic mode and (please read this next bit in your best inner Rainier Wolfcastle) laughing time is over.
Stomp the throttle and with all that weight the back end squirms around trying to find grip. Meanwhile, you sit there, as bemused as Dark Helmet on Spaceball One—what does this thing have, a Cuisinart? At this point, the tires hook up and Bruce jumps straight to plaid.
Ludicrous speed! The twin-turbocharged, 552hp 4.4L V8 spools up the rev-range with a bizarre whirring roar, less a V8 rumble than the scream of a hyperdrive. With ruthless precision, each litre of high-test fuel is atomized, analyzed, ignited and transformed into mind-boggling thrust.
Mid-range power, just the sort of autobahn anarchy this thing was intended for, will let you hang with anything up to and including a Ferrari 458 Italia. It’s a bruiser, a four-door German Corvette, a luxury liner with volcanic performance, an executive sedan designed to look like Megatron’s wang.
In short, it’s a perfect application of engineering versus the laws of physics. Too bad this mad, bad beast has the wrong badges on it. It’s not an M6 Gran Coupe, it’s a Bruce.
2014 BMW M6 Gran Coupe
Base Price: $127,900
Price as Tested: $160,950
Brendan McAleer is a freelance auto-writer based out of North Vancouver, BC, and a member of the Automotive Journalists Association of Canada. His work appears in BBCAutos, Road&Track, Autos.ca and elsewhere. Follow him on twitter @brendan_mcaleer
Photo courtesy of the author.