In the Words of Nick Offerman

Promoting his new independent film Somebody Up There Likes Me (that video’s not safe for work, but it has Alison Brie in it), Nick Offerman took questions from Reddit today. Here are his best answers.

What’s your favourite wood?
Morning. Also’s Mega’s pref.

We all know Ron Swanson has only cried twice in his life. Is there anything that makes you cry?
I cry with regularity, and I don’t mind a bit. I cried last night during rehearsal for this beautiful play Annapurna, by Sharr White, that Megan and I are doing in LA. I consistently cried at the curt but heartfelt life advice dispensed by Coach Eric Taylor. I cried when Ashton Kutcher came back to television. For all of us. For shame.

If you directed Rocky 7, who would you have Rocky fight?
I imagine he’d be in a pretty good scrap with his colon by this point. I’d love to see him take on Dr. Phil, as well, and have Dr. Phil be inexplicably formidable, but then of course, ultimately lose to Mr. Balboa.

I love and appreciate your (seemingly) minimalist approach to the things in life that make you happy (bacon, booze, wife, wood, not necessarily in that order.) How do you keep your focus on these important necessities in the face of a busy and changing world?
Avoid channels. Limit choices. Keep a clean water pipe.

Would you keep a bear as a pet?
I have a large Crizzly bear named Ben who is my friend. This majestic, ursine mammal is the king of the forest, and my heart, but will never be any man’s pet. He’s a fucking bear.

Have you ever considered playing Teddy Roosevelt in a biopic about his life?
I look forward to playing #26 with a relish that can only be described as fervent. The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt and The River of Doubt are fantastic reads about his exploits, and Theodore Rex is good, but more of the known quantity. You can bet your San Juan Hill that in my portrayal of Teddy, I will wrestle and defeat a Crizzly Bear.

Manliness: as a 24-year-old half Asian male weighing in at 120 lbs., struggling to grow facial hair, how can I become manlier, like you?
Turn off your computer and go out of doors. Dig a large enough hole to transplant a mature apple tree. Nurture the tree, feed it, coddle it so that its fruit will be ample, bright and firm. Practice open-hand strikes against the rough bark of the trunk until it’s time to harvest. Choose the champion of your apple crop, pluck it from the tree, and beat yourself about the face and tits with it until your mettle will suffice.

I can’t think of any good questions, but I’ve been following Somebody Up There Likes Me for months now and can’t wait to finally see it. You’re awesome, Nick.
You are generous, and I would gift you a handmade kayak had I the time. Somebody Up There Likes Me is full of hilarious and beautiful talent and also I appear in the film. My wife Megan Mullally steals the picture with three short scenes. If she doesn’t make you titter and toot, then please resume watching CBS television programming.

You seem to like Scotch, Lagavulin and Balvenie if I remember from last time. Is your enjoyment real or just for persona reasons?
My scotch appreciation is solid and true. The older I become, the more single malts, particularly the Islay varieties, warm my gullet.

Do you stay-in/switch-to character when approached in public by fans, or do you prefer to talk to people as simply “Nick”?
I don’t like to ever play Ron when I’m not at work, even over the phone in a radio interview. Ron is not my individual property, I make him together with Mike Schur and our show, so I don’t like to whip him out at the lumberyard.

What would be the one piece of advice you’d give to the entirety of both genders if they were guaranteed to hear it?
To clear up a lot of early embarrassment: a blowjob doesn’t actually involve the expression of any air onto the intended hog.

How did you start making canoes?
Read the comprehensive book Canoecraft by Ted Moores. Went to visit he and Joan at Bear Mountain Boats. It is all you need and much more.

The guys from Trailer Park Boys recently said that John Paul Tremblay (Julian) is more manly than you. Your response?
His name is Julian.

What’s it like having a super talented, funny, hot wife that shares all your interests?
Having a wife that shares all of one’s interests would be abhorrent. She is talented, funny and hot, and then some, but I think a relationship also needs divergent forces to remain healthy and well-rounded. Megan finds woodworking boring, but she can appreciate it in me, and I can’t comprehend her acumen for interior design, but I’m mighty thankful she has it, because she makes our home look like a work of art.

Do you really make hobbit pipes? Or was that just part of your stand up?
We are developing that item for sale. I have made one sweet one for myself in oak, and we’re investigating how to produce in a greater quantity. Please continue to inquire at

I have heard you are a huge LOTR fan, which of the three movies/books is your favorite and why?
I don’t think I could pick, as I sit here asking myself. I think of it as all one story. Treebeard is my dream babysitter.

What’s the best way to win a lady’s heart?
Sincerity, Good Manners, Dependability. Give the clitoris your attention, but don’t remain on it all night. Work the perimeter before driving to the basket.

What’s your favorite season?

As an enthusiast of barbecued meats, do you have a favorite? How do you like it prepared?
My favorite of all is steak, ribs, pork loin, lamb chops, bratwurst, cheeseburgers. I like them prepared on the grill.

Describe in two words your thoughts on the NYC Soda-ban being overturned.
In America, we are free. We are fat and free.

Sir, I’ve noticed you regularly sport a full beard. I would be ecstatic to learn if you have any tips to maintaining such potent and effective facial hair?
Consume oxygen. Eat Food. Drink water and scotch. Also, for reals, keep it washed well, or your whiskers will wick oils to your dermis and your blemishes will be mighty bursting and suppurating volcanoes. Clean beard = Plentiful kisses.

I heard that for your audition to play Ron Swanson you sang a song while peeing into a cup, and then drank your own piss. Is this true?
I have drunk the urine I’ve drunk.

This is a test