Why Bed and Breakfasts are Hell

So, it’s that time of year: You’re driving on the parkway and it’s not the first time you and your girl notice how stunning the canopy is from that elevated viewpoint and you look at the steaming river of traffic and you think, “Why don’t we get out of the city this weekend and see some real nature?” At which point your companion coos with enthusiasm and says, “Oh, yes, we could do a country holiday! Maybe stay at some cute bed and breakfast!”

Your enthusiasm escapes like gas from a balloon, because you know that there is nothing less relaxing than a bed and breakfast. Indeed, the very phrase “country holiday” makes you think of overheated craft shops, and possibly Withnail & I.

To help you in the ensuing discussion, we have prepared our honest list of why no grown-up should ever stay at a bed and breakfast. You may pin this list to your dashboard as a hint, if you like.

They don’t want you there.
That’s right, your hosts, Don and Joy, or Bob and Diane, or Ed and Myrtle, don’t really like having strangers in their house. That’s why they look at you so nervously and say, “Ah, folks, we don’t wear our shoes in the house.” They are renting out their kids’ old room to make some extra bucks, but if they were really in the hospitality industry they would let you eat and drink in your room.

Wallpaper.
Honestly, what do you have in common with people who want to cover every available surface with floral patterns and ruffled curtains? And then there’s the potpourri. Doesn’t it make you feel as if you can’t breathe?

No sex.
Sure, go ahead and try. That charming wrought-iron bedstead is so rickety you know that every squeak is like a foghorn to Ed and Myrtle…who, incidentally, are sleeping just across the hall.

The bathroom’s down the hall.
And you’re sharing it with Ted and Brenda from Florida. Speaking of whom, the next day there’s going to be…

Breakfast with strangers.
The banana-nut loaf may well be divine, but are you really in the mood to share your life story with people from your mom’s book club?

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