It may astound you to know that reactions to impending childbirth are influenced by gender. Men and women tend to have different questions.
Women want to talk right away about the practical stuff: where and “how” you’re going to do it (how? what do you mean how?), what kind of crib, what kind of stroller (you absolutely need the ludicrously expensive kind, naturally), and all kinds of other meaningless trivia.
Men ask far more important questions. They want to know about sex. Does your sex life actually, as so many strangely gleeful married acquaintances tell us, end? Will it ever come back? And, of course the crucial question: are you going to taste the breast milk?
Okay, so the first set of questions (female ones) is obviously easily resolved. I say to my partner, you find out everything we need, I will pay. And I will, if you find me a Percocet or a Xanax beforehand, drive to Ikea and then assemble whatever you decree. Done.
Now on to the deep stuff, the meat, as it were, of the issue. Yes, there was a decline in sexual activity for the first few months, not due to a lack of desire on either part, but entirely due to the problem of nausea. When anyone is about to puke, feeling like puking or just puked, sex is unappetizing for her. Late in the pregnancy, where we are now, the problem has joyously dissolved, and I can honestly report that it is not at all difficult to find a way around the swelling belly. You just have to be a little more careful about positions, and the rough stuff is out.
Now she has threatened to leave me if I report on any more details of our sex life, so I will limit myself to describing the well-known universal effects of pregnancy. The primary symptom of pregancy is swelling. Everything swells, not just the belly. Breasts grow enormous and yet firm and buoyant. Swelling of various body parts is caused by engorgement. Yes, think about that word for a second. Nothing wrong with engorgement. Engorgement causes sensitivity. Okay, you get my point. It’s all good.
And as for the crucial knowledge: very sweet and slightly salty, with an overtone of vanilla or caramel, almost exactly like dulce de leche. Any more questions?