Political Party Hearty, Part III

The federal election looms, gents, larger than ever: it’s this Monday, May 2. If you’re tired of the typical Green-Con-Lib-Newdem-Bloc options, there are fourteen other officially registered parties. With the way the race is running, it seems like just about anyone could be our next Prime Minister. Or Jack Layton.

Today, the final installment in DailyXY’s series of quick-guides to help you separate the pranks from the cranks (Part I here, and Part II here). How to best use, or abuse, your most fundamental democratic right is, as always, entirely up to you.

Part III: From far left to far right, and everything in between.

Communist Party of Canada
Believe it or not, this is the second-oldest registered political party running in this election (after the Liberals, who are becoming about as relevant to the modern voter). The Communist Party’s  2011 platform is pretty much what you’d expect: Nationalize stuff, fight foreign investment and ownership, raise the minimum wage, shorten the work week, tax the rich more, tax big companies a lot more, and so on. Banging shoes on tables and launching dogs into space are optional.

DailyXY’s take: Ideal for hipsters, who want to vote for an authentic, vintage party and vote ironically.

Marxist-Leninist (Communist) Party of Canada
That’s right, we Canadians are blessed with TWO Red Menaces from which to choose. The split stems from back in the day, when these pinkos sided with Mao, while the other ones stuck with Khrushchev.

DailyXY’s take: If the Canadian Juche, Sendero and Trotskyite scenes can just get their acts together, we should be able to hit five commie parties by next election. Who’s with me?

Canadian Action Party
The left-ish CAP will end NAFTA, institute an elected Senate, use the Bank of Canada to solve every economic problem, yadda yadda, and, according to their Military page, unleash an unorthodox plan to “fully fund” and “fully equip” Canada’s armed forces by “slashing” the military budget. That’s what you call thinking outside the box! Speaking of which, these guys are also 9/11 “Truthers,” as made plain by their Royal Commission to Investigate 9/11 Policy page.

DailyXY’s take: You probably don’t want to be stuck next to the Action men on a long bus ride.

United Party of Canada
From a grab bag chock-full of nice and nanny-ish policies (lower taxes for poor and middle-class families, greenhouse gas tax, guaranteed annual income, universal free dentistry, and on and on) this centre-left party can claim to offer something to benefit just about every Canadian. Which is pretty much the political strategy of the Liberals, Conservatives, and NDP, too. But unlike those three parties, these dudes are uniters, not dividers.

DailyXY’s take: Like all “people pleasers” their optimistic inoffensiveness is somehow kind of annoying.

Animal Alliance Environment Voters Party of Canada
The party name spells out the priorities: This is the bunch for you if you think the Green Party has gone too mainstream (and really, they haven’t had a decent protest song since their second album on AgriNotAggro Records). Plus, even in ridings where the AAEVPoC is running candidates, they tell people to vote for other parties. So, that’s nice.

DailyXY’s take: Like a non-crazy, non-naked PETA.

Progressive Canadian Party
Centre-right party founded by the disgruntled rump (teehee) of “Red Tories” who hightailed it from the PC camp after the merger with Reform last decade. Cred points: This party is currently headed by a genuine former MP!

DailyXY’s take: Like a non-crazy, non-naked Conservative Party.

Libertarian Party of Canada
For Libertarians, a government can have only three justifiable roles: arrest and jail criminals, protect the country from invaders, and settle contract disputes. Anything else that a government tries to accomplish — road building, sewage treatment, mail delivery — is an intolerable infringement on the freedoms of individual citizens. Fun fact: Many celebrities and internet trolls are Scientologists. I mean, libertarians.

DailyXY’s take: Politically indistinguishable from pro-cop Satanists.

Image courtesy of Icantcu.

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