A six hundred-page autobiography rarely finds its way onto my reading pile. It won’t be on a Booker list, and it isn’t a reporter’s war memoir. Admitting this feels odd, but: I really, really enjoyed Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story. Not convinced you want a book that’s hefty enough to bludgeon a Predator to death? Use this handy guide to predict your reaction.
If you’re a fitness fanatic…
Those twenty-five pound dumbbells will start to look painfully unimpressive.
If you invested in Planet Hollywood…
All your worthless stock can be used to dry tears of jealousy over the fact that Arnold managed his risk on that deal and walked away with money, adding it to the pile made from shrewd California real estate investments, fitness books, and the freaking 747 he owned and leased to Singapore Airlines. Oh, and his movie star money.
If you’re tired after your part time job…
Arnold’s adventures in selling fitness supplements, attending community college and masquerading as a European master stonemason, all while winning multiple Mr. Universe titles, will either leave you printing off multiple copies of your résumé or making time with a bottle of Scotch in a depressing attempt to re-evaluate your life.
If you’re a movie buff…
You’ll spend a month watching all forty-three of Schwarzenegger’s movies (including Hercules in New York but possibly excluding Around the World in 80 Days) and then annoy your friends and family by responding to all forms of communication via one-liner. God help you, however, if ever try and interrupt sex with “It’s not a toomah!”
If you’re a cigar smoker…
Every time Arnold mentions a “stogie,” which is often, you’ll reach for the humidor. I went through nine sticks, which works out to one cigar per seventy-two pages. I suspect that the subway’s anti-smoking rules precluded a higher tobacco total.
If you’re a California voter…
You’re probably still wondering why you don’t have everything while paying for nothing.
If you’re fourteen…
You’ll smear yourself with war paint, roll in the mud, and spend the next week or so ambushing your little brother with an airsoft gun whilst listening to the chronically underrated Arnocorps.
If you’ve read Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Out into the Real World…
I’d have to wonder how you think you’ll get through a book by Arnold Schwarzenegger, but then again, it’s amazing you got through a book by Maria Shriver.
If you snort derisively and regurgitate a joke from E!…
Saying it should have been called True Lies is an obvious joke and skipping six hundred pages to get to the infidelity part doesn’t count as reading, jerk.
Dave Robson is the editor of DailyXY. He spends his time reading books, drinking Scotch, and smoking cigars.
