Will and Kate, Plus Hate

Call me old-fashioned, but I like my royal weddings to be cold, loveless arrangements contracted solely to consolidate political power. If a guy gets to be King and still marries his college sweetheart, it makes the whole monarchy thing seem kind of dated. Still, some people are actually stoked about Prince William and Catherine Middleton tying the (House of) Windsor knot. These people — well, girls — will be watching when the live stream starts at 3 a.m. EST on Friday, April 29.

If you are intimately involved with a die-hard royal watcher and you inexplicably haven’t booked the last weekend of April as a guys-only Vegas bash, you will need to feign interest in the most tedious nuptial event since Dennis Rodman married himself.

Start with these, friend, and good luck. (We’re heading for Vegas.)

Go for the Full English.
Those watching this nonsense live will need breakfast, and nothing beats a traditional English fry-up. We’re not talking about the colonies’ namby-pamby bacon/egg/toast combo: We’re talking bacon, eggs, bangers, baked beans, chips, mushrooms, tomato slices, blood sausage, kidneys, and bread fried in the fat from the bacon. (Alternate: Spam sausage Spam Spam bacon Spam tomato and Spam.) This greasy mess will be best enjoyed scraped from the fascia of your Will & Kate commemorative plates.

Heli’va good time.
Helicopters and the modern monarchy go together like tea and crumpets. Why, just last November, the groom flew his own RAF search-and-rescue crew up the highest mountain in Wales and winched a chappie who was having a spot of car(dio) trouble! While your lady admires the Dames and the dresses, you can simultaneously play papparazo, add to authentic royal ambience, and capture the whole garish event for posterity by buzzing the TV set with one of these nifty remote-control camera-equipped ‘choppers.

Sample the father of the groom’s homebrew.
Prince William’s father, Prince Charles, is both Prince of Wales and Duke of Cornwall. To the latter, he basically owns Southwest England’s Duchy of Cornwall, from whence comes (available in Canada) the Duchy Originals line of beer, including Organic Ale, Select Ale, and Old Ruby Ale 1905. If you’re up at an ungodly hour on Friday morning anyway, why not pass the Duchy?

Nobility Bingo.
First to scan the crowd and spot a Lord, Baron, Viscount, Marquees and Earl sitting in a row, wins. Talk about Peer pressure! (Free space = Sir Elton John.)

Dreamcast, sans Sega.
Wedding as all-star Blackadder episode: Hugh Laurie at his twittiest as Prince William, Russell Brand as bad-boy brother Harry, crazy-pants Helena Bonham Carter as bridezilla, Rowan Atkinson as bumbling Prince Charles, and Eddie Izzard as Queen Elizabeth. Finally, something worth watching, even if it’s only inside your head. Bonus: An excuse to close your eyes.

Conspiracy Theory Roulette.
No, not with the boring gossip that tries to create doubt about Princess Diana’s assassination. Use the really out-there memes swirling around the royal family like so many yapping corgis. Like, Queen Elizabeth II is actually a shape-shifting reptilian vampire. And, Prince William is the Antichrist. Perhaps grossest of all, Prince William and his bride are actually 12th cousins, once removed. Inbreeding amongst European royalty? Where do these slanderers get their twisted ideas?

…and the “folking” in “Norfolk”
Understandably, you’re still dreading this whole business. But, eyes on the prize! If the queen of your heart/bed is going to be all a-flutter about the pageantry and romance yadda yadda, then, once the show’s over, she might just be in the mood to put the “sex” back in “Wessex,” eh, eh? April 29 could be the day you get royally screwed without actually minding it!

Image courtesy of Quite Adept.


1 thought on “Will and Kate, Plus Hate”

  1. Having just moved back to my native London, UK from over five years spent in glorious Toronto, I took particular interest in your article. Most Londoners remain distinctly cynical and non-plussed about the whole thing – but what we’re REALLY excited about is the national day off that its giving us. This follows from the long, four-day Easter weekend the week before, so we’re all very excited about the prospect of two back-to-back four-day weekends in a row. “Hurrah!” as misinformed foreigners might believe we still cry in this country. By the way, absolutely THE best commemorative plates selling out around London right now are these which sum up the real celebratory mood in the capital right now – enjoy… http://www.johnlewis.com/231181333/Product.aspx

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