The Four Types of Drunk

So, what kind of drunk are you? Well, thanks to a real study (.pdf alert) in Addiction Research & Theory, we have a little clarity on the issue.

Researchers gave 357 people a couple of fifty-point personality tests; they took one prior to drinking and one after drinking. Depending on your personality, you could be one of four type of drunk.

The Hemingway

Are you sure you’re drunk? Because nobody else is sure. The largest group of drinkers don’t change much with some alcohol in them. Maybe they’re constantly drunk. Maybe they’ve been knocking back water and lime and letting you think that they’re gin and tonics. Who knows? The Hemingways of the world retain their motor skills and social grace on their way to getting blotto.

The Nutty Professor

By day, you’re a quiet and polite introvert. By alcohol-fuelled night, you’re loud, gregarious, and think you’re funnier than you are, just like Eddie Murphy in that Nutty Professor remake. These are the people you want at your party, because their loud behaviour will eclipse everyone else’s shoddy behaviour. They’re pretty funny on social media too. Just make sure they call a cab before they start singing showtunes.

The Mary Poppins

Sweet, conscientious, cooperative—who are you, and why are you such a nice drunk? The Mary Poppins of the world are the ones who start making pancakes for the entire party after a couple of cranberry vodkas, and we bet they’re the ones calling a cab for the Nutty Professor and making sure that ol’ Hemingway is having fun.

The Mr Hyde

Nobody wants Mr Hyde at the party, because a few drinks in and Mr Hyde becomes “less responsible, less intellectual, and more hostile”. Mr Hyde is more likely to be arrested, more likely to get black out drunk, and more likely to be female. That’s right—the Mr Hydes of the world make up 23% of drinkers, and two-thirds of those Mr Hydes are women. This explains stagette parties so well.


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