The Terrible Scotch Disaster

Tragedy has struck the world of whisky, and by extension, the world at large. Tuesday night, thousands of litres of Chivas Regal whisky was poured down the drain at a bottling plant in Dumbarton, Scotland. Not a dram was spared.

Flags are being flown at half-mast the world over, and condolences have been pouring it. Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, and Xi Jinping are all said to have sent cards and flowers, while Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper is reportedly bedridden with grief.

Speaking from Parliament, UK Prime Minister David Cameron said, “Truly, we live in barbarous times, but this wonton destruction of liquid culture will not be forgotten.”

UK Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has gone on record, saying that Scotland’s Strategic Whisky Reserve will be open for the duration of the crisis.

Speaking from Dumbarton, Hammond also noted that intelligence services are looking into the possibility of sabotage by Vodka producers with ties to the Russian Mafia.


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