Five Tips on Foreplay

OK guys, you’ve obviously done something right to get us in bed with you. This is the time to show and prove. You did the full court press to get us here, now’s the time to break out your all-star dunk.

Foreplay is an art. We want to be treated like a canvas, not an Etch-a-Sketch. The following are the things that (some of) you do, that we think are, well, not exemplary of your best effort.

The Log Jam: Why, when the initially sensual and exploring kiss starts heating up, do some of you feel the urge to suddenly jam your swollen tongues down our throats? We get it. You want in. We want you there. No need to do an oral simulation. Use your lips. Let your tongue play with ours. Let us feel how nimble it is, and let our imaginations run wild with the possibilities it beholds.

The Director: Aggressively asking someone, “Why are your clothes still on?” is not so sexy. Undressing ourselves is disappointing. Don’t be so lazy that you can’t bother taking the wrapper off the candy. Having our clothes peeled off piece by piece (fast or slow, both work) draws out the fun, raises the intrigue, and gives us something to anticipate.

The Southern Shove: We’re fooling around. You start playing with our hair and your hands land on the crown of our head. Increasing pressure is being applied in a southerly direction. Stop it. Your quest for us to discover your south pole isn’t doing much for us. We know what you want, and we want to explore. We’ll get there, by taking our time touching, exploring, biting, kissing, and licking our way down. And the “how about a blow job?” question is boring and uninspiring.

The Backstroke: We’re sleeping, and you signal your amorous intent with a slide of your hand up our back that’s meant to wake us, and arouse us, in a single superhero stroke. Looking for better results with this? Start by placing a kiss at the base of our spine and planting kisses all the way up, Superman.

The Potscrubber: Certain sensitive and highly excitable parts of our anatomy do not respond well to the digital technique of rapid back-and-forth strokes, applied with enough pressure to scrape the Teflon off a frying pan. There’s so much more to explore there. Soft folds and nooks, that, when approached with a (light!) flick of a tongue, or a much softer touch, can send waves of pleasure through us.

In other words, don’t rush. Pay some attention to the pretty cool features we have that are waiting to be discovered, (we can even experience fireworks if you foreplay your cards right) and your interest and quest for finding them will secure you a repeat visit.

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