You walk into a room, scanning it for attractive women. You see them and cast your 1000 watt smile in their direction. You pass by the other members of your secret society, greeting them with a nod and a slap on the shoulder. And as you approach the bar, the needle on our Playadar is in the red. That’s right. We see you and more importantly, see through you. You’re a Player.

Are you a Player? If any of the below sounds familiar, just know that we’ve seen the playbook to your game.

Bottomless Tab: Being a Player is not synonymous with being a shooter. You may not necessarily be loaded, but you aren’t going to do anything in a social setting that would leave anyone thinking you’re cheap or paying for that D&G shirt in installments. As a Player you will buy the round of drinks for all your friends, and your friend’s friends, and if we’re within casting range, us too. (Your credit card company loves you.)

BMATP (Big-Man-at-The-Party): Players want to be the most popular guy in the room, and they are, generally, instantly likeable. You’re the guy that everyone wants to know: guys think you’re “The Man” and give you the handshake-shoulder-bump when they greet you, and we are intrigued by your command of the room.

Summa cum laude “Charm School” graduate: The Player knows what to say and when to say it. So magnetizing, you think you could charm the salt out of sea water. You look us straight in the eye with a smile and offer compliments, engaging us in a way that would make Bill Clinton proud. We know, however, that you’re using the same routine on every other attractive woman in the joint.

The perfect (first) date: The true nature of the Player comes out if you land a date with us. The first few dates will be fantastic (a Player friend of mine admitted that he IS the perfect first date); meanwhile, you are also the perfect first date for all your other flavours of the month.

Excuses, excuses, excuses: The Player is the busiest guy we’ve ever met. Work, sports, and a roster of best friends big enough to fill a city block are going to be the reasons why you can’t see us or have to cancel the plans we made for subsequent dates, often at the last minute. (When we finally do go out, however, you crank up the charisma and make us forget — for the night anyway — your excuses.)

Where’s Waldo?: After a few dates the Player is going to be hard to reach, with many long and unexplained gaps between hook ups. The other women you’re juggling, incidentally, are experiencing similar gaps. Don’t think we don’t know.

So, Player, your game does not escape us. You might think you can play us, but you won’t, because there is no way we will fall for your shtick. We know you’re not serious, and neither are we. You’re playing the field, and if we’re playing with you, we’ve got game of our own.

And we often win that game.

This is a test