I think most people appreciate that sex can sometimes be a painful experience, for men and women.
Every now and then a lack of lube or sudden leg cramp will throw things a bit off, and whether you give up or keep going, it’s not a huge deal. But some injuries are kind of a big deal. Sometimes, sure, you can still shrug off these accidents in the interests of “being cool about it”, but really, it’s hard. Because they are the sort of excruciating, burning, bleeding nightmares that will, at the best of times, take her mind of all the sex, and in the worst of times, have her looking up at the ceiling, swallowing her own stomach acid, and begging for death.
These are sex injuries I suggest all men take more seriously.
Cuts from Undiscovered Metals
This is by far the most common sex injury that men don’t take seriously enough. After taking a quick poll of friends and close, gossipy, acquaintances, I found that roughly 80% have experienced cuts and bruises from otherwise innocuous metals including zippers, tie pins, and sets of keys that stick out of men’s pockets.
The trouble usually starts when men are fully dressed, often in suits, and women are wearing nothing at all. There is a lot of elaborate stuff going on next to soft, bare skin. It’s often painful for women, and can occasionally end up in blood, which you should really be worried about if you’re wearing a suit.
But the worst stories about undiscovered metals always involve belt buckles. Metal belt buckles and barely clothed vaginas should never meet! Not casually, not intimately, and never—never—passionately.
Throwing Her Into the Bed Frame
Let me get this out there first: the throw-the-girl-on-the-bed move is hot and every man should do it. All I ask is that you aim first.
The difference between landing on the bed verses the bed frame may seem to you like an innocent matter of centimeters, but for her, it’s . . . important. Some of my poll subjects have received the kind of bruises that made it impossible to bend over expecting hot sex on a bouncy mattress, only to make swift contact with corners of the bed frame. I received my one and only concussion this way, although if I remember clearly (and I don’t, because there was a short blackout afterwards) my head actually hit the bedside table.
So . . . learn to aim, guys. Practice with a friend, or a sack of flower. Or something.
Cum Shot to the Eye
If there is a method—an art, let’s say—to getting it in the eye without pain, tears, and desperate clawing at one’s eyeball, I have yet to hear the tale. The stories I do hear are just salty nightmares.
You know how men sometime feel squeamish just hearing about getting hit in the testicles? This is how many women feel about cum in their eye. Sure, it’s a cartoonish fantasy for some people, but there are real consequences! Yes, I know that testicles more nerve endings and the initial impact of the two injuries is not nearly the same, but hey, at least when you get kicked in the balls, it fades away in a few hours. You’re not seeing the world through a cloudy film for days.
Mika Rekai is a Toronto-based writer, humourist, and self-designated sex guru. She does not feel the need to justify that last part to you. She asks that you just be cool and go with it.
Photo courtesy of amayzun.