Unless you spent Monday beneath a rock, you already know that Stephen Harper’s Conservative Party earned its first parliamentary majority this week. It’s hard to imagine a more favourable outcome for the formerly put-upon PM: his party has 167 seats, two of the three men he stared down (or avoided staring down) during the debates have quit, and several of the NDP MPs flying to Ottawa to oppose Harper have a tube of Proactiv in their carry-on.
To his credit, Harper has (so far) avoided the triumphalism and schoolyard trash talk that one might have expected. If anything, the man has sounded even-handed and Prime Ministerial during his majority’s immediate infancy, despite undoubtedly having spent its first two nights in a darkened corner of 24 Sussex muttering “My precious, my precioussssss…”
Now that his eager, sweaty hands are firmly on the levers of power, Harper has a lot of big decisions to make. To help him bear up under the weight of his responsibility, here is DailyXY’s list of what the top priorities should be during these early days of the new majority.
1) Install a Solid Gold Toilet in 24 Sussex
Nothing says power like a solid gold toilet – just ask the former Shah of Iran. In the days and years to come, there will inevitably be many trying, self-doubting moments for our Prime Minister. Am I governing fairly? Do I still have the confidence of the citizens? Do I even deserve a majority? During these dark times, all he’ll need to do is wander into the bathroom and say, “Oh yeah — solid gold toilet.”
2) Find His Own Bin Laden
While it’s slightly macabre to watch a nation celebrate a death, there is understandable catharsis in the US reaction to Bin Laden’s assassination, and a poll out today tracks a ‘death bounce’ in Obama’s popularity. Harper must be eyeing this with envy. He should immediately start planning the ‘take down’ of an unpopular public figure, although instead of an assassination he should administer the Canadian equivalent: a firm spanking.
Oh, wait. He just did that, to Michael Ignatieff.
3) Grow a Moustache
This one is so obvious, it’s almost a given that a small group of men in gray suits is sitting in a room with no windows right now discussing the merits of handlebar versus ‘Fu Manchu.’ Harper has dispatched Ignatieff and Duceppe, and now only Jack Layton stands between him and his dream of the thousand-year (or at least ten-year) Tory reign. A Stephen Harper moustache would level the playing field, moustache-wise, and therefore eliminate the only thing that, in Harper’s mind, could possibly explain 102 NDP seats.
(Option 3B: Dispatch barber ninjas to Stornoway to shave Layton’s moustache)
4) Give Every Canadian Citizen an iPad 2
During the first hundred days of any new administration, the governing party can basically do whatever the hell it wants and the opposition has to just sit there and take it. Imagine Harper’s poll numbers if he passed emergency legislation to supply every Canadian with the sexiest piece of technology in history — the iPad 2. In one masterstroke, an assured 2015 Tory victory.
5) Win Canadian Idol
Although he’s gone to some lengths to deny it, video evidence exists that Stephen Harper is in fact musical: He sings and plays the piano. Nothing would more effectively win over the hard-core anti-Harperites — musicians, actors, painters, basket-weavers, interpretive dancers, the Roma — than a big win on Canadian Idol. After wowing the judges with his button-down version of Rihanna’s “Disturbia” (featuring a Jew’s Harp solo by ol’ Harp himself), he could prove himself to be the Prime Minister of “all of Canada” by performing all three parts of Gordon Lightfoot’s “Canadian Railroad Trilogy.”
Even if he doesn’t have the talent to actually win, surely he must have the legislative clout to install himself into first place. If he can’t, what was the point of winning a majority?
Image courtesy of kriscip.