Bringing Out the Heavy

Oh, hi. I would like to have your baby. There’s just something genetically right about you. I mean not that you’re perfect — nobody’s perfect — but I just instantly feel like we would make a truly awesome baby.

I also believe in marriage. Ever since I was a little girl, I imagined myself in a wedding dress. I mean, more like Stephanie Seymour in “November Rain”, but still, a wedding dress. I even picked out my wedding song (“November Rain,” duh). And I wrote out some vows. I wonder if I could insert your name in the blank spaces, if that’s okay?

Oh, my parents are throwing us a party — just because. No, not an engagement party, silly. Just a party for us. You can meet all of my cousins. My cousin Billy is dying, so I’d love for you to meet him before he goes — it would mean so much to him. I told him all about you. He loves you. By the way, could you tell the U-Haul guy where he should park?

Now, if you’re thinking how brilliantly accurate I am, I need to tell you that it’s not just women who seem obsessed with taking the relationship to the next level. The first paragraph describes one of my first dates. But for the sake of this column, here is how we, women, look at timelines and how you can (and can’t) stop the heavy from bulldozing your relationship.

First Date: Babies
You might think that she’s insane, but she may simply be doing you a huge favour and is being up front about her goals. Don’t let this freak you out too much. If you like her, have a second date and a third for good measure, and if the babies come up again, you can be assured this is about babies, not you.

First Anniversary: Moving In
This is the point where many women start to feel a little bit “s*it or get off the pot” about the relationship. Incidentally, a year is enough time for anyone to decide if they’re serious about something or not — you’re not making a single malt Scotch here, no need to keep the thing in a barrel for three-plus years. You feel it or you don’t. Simple.

Let’s Get Married 
If you’re the marrying type (how does she know? Because you told her), the second anniversary is a reasonable time to review if she is, indeed, the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you’re not the marrying type, but she is (or the other way around), say it and get off the pot. Seriously, it will hurt a lot now, and she may hate you for a while (always), but this is actually a kind thing to do.

Image courtesy of J.Star.

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