Trouble with Attraction

Dear Kay,
I have trouble attracting women. I mean real trouble. I am no sight myself, I don’t look ugly mind you, but I will not go out of my way to make myself look attractive. Every lady I have met so far has either played massive mind games with me, or is just completely obsessed with me (which is equally unattractive). Am I being too picky?
XY

When I read your message, the word “apathetic” came to mind. Not just as an adjective to describe you, but to describe what I felt when I read your message to me. This got me thinking. As someone dishing out a woman’s perspective on those burning questions men have for women (“Why do you always have to ask for directions?”), I care a lot about what I say because it’s important for me to be honest, but I’m not swaddling my responses to make them palatable. I also care a lot about the messages I get from you, and I often respond behind-the-scenes when I see it’s a genuine cry for help.

In the case of this message, I feel neither compassion nor antipathy. This is quite likely because you, Mr. XY, don’t either. Although you did write to me, and I suppose that counts for something. But you say you have trouble, real trouble. Then you say that you’re neither handsome nor ugly, and furthermore, uninterested in making an effort to groom yourself in order to attract the opposite sex. (We’re not asking for plastic surgery here.) You’ve pegged every woman you’ve met into two interchangeable categories: needy and psycho. And you wonder if you’re too picky. My summation? If you feel too indifferent to take care of yourself, why should you expect any woman to bother caring for you? If you categorically pigeonhole all your relationships in such a judgemental manner, what does that say about you? Probably that you haven’t actually learned enough from past relationships to rethink the way you work them.

Kay

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