What We Think of Your Pad

At the age of 21, I found myself sitting on an apple crate, a.k.a. the living room chair, while Ian served me a glass of wine out of a 1.5 litre carton. At 21, I wanted at least Ikea. But Ian was a sensitive rock boy and had bright blue eyes and black hair. He loved his mom. He cleaned up his, um, garage just for our date. Okay, one last time, I thought. It lasted three years. Broke- you don’t know half of it. Frankly, it didn’t matter at all. When it comes to guys’ pads, you need to have only a few basic elements to wow us.

Bed: Bed is better than a mattress on the floor. Have sheets. Clean sheets. Please hide your lucky blankie/ teddy bear/ plastic Jesus until at least third date (and even then, you’re still risking it- just sayin’).

Chairs: Apple crates are only okay if you have bright blue eyes, black hair and, okay, if you’re a sensitive musician boy and we are under 25. Have a kitchen table plus chairs. It would be nice to have breakfast together (but not underneath your lucky blankie). Speaking of food…

Fridge: We’re starving after last night. Have some food in the fridge. Don’t let your fridge be a bachelor’s cliche (vodka, mustard, condoms). No food? Fetch some when we’re still asleep. (We’re not really sleeping but are, in fact, basking in the knowledge of a great score of a guy who makes us breakfast!)

Art: Salvador Dali’s melting clock poster is NOT art. Nor is a Union Jack a curtain. Think quality. And if you don’t have much cash, Japanese minimalism can be sexy too.

Bathroom: Make friends with Old Dutch. Have an extra clean towel. And soap. For a triple score, have an unopened box of tampons and a new toothbrush (if you have a box of those, hide the rest- we don’t want to see how many are missing already). Do not have a centipede farm.

Extras: A 24-hour concierge, a gym, a pool in the building. Extra extras? These are not the sole things that make you desirable but they go a long way if we’re over 25 and you never learned guitar.

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