Why You Aren’t Getting Any

Life’s not fair. You know why? Because of porn and Disney. There’s a cartoon that explains this, how porn and Disney set unrealistic expectations for each gender – because of Disney, girls dream of Prince Charming, and because of porn, men dream of insatiable “fun” girls. That’s simplifying, but you might be asking yourself why life isn’t fair, why did the nookie hit an all-time low, or why did it stop – don’t women want sex as much as men do?

Yes. And but.

Yes we do. But it’s complicated. The clichés you’ve heard about sex originating in the brain are even stronger for women. We think sex. No, not about sex necessarily but we make a space for it in our brain where it lives happily or unhappily among emotions, fears, turn-ons and a whole whack of hormones. If we don’t think sex there’s usually a reason for it. And the reasons are different for when we’ve just met, when we’re dating or when we live with you.

After We Just Met
Forgot to shave. Ugly underwear. Boyfriend. Also, we’re just not that into you (although you can still get laid with not-that-into-you really drunk girl) (but, hey, don’t be an a-hole and sleep with really drunk girls).

We’re Dating but Our Bodies Don’t Touch
It could be we’ve met someone else. Or you’re not a considerate lover and we’re too worried about hurting your ego to tell you how we like it. So we just avoid it. Or it could be you’ve done something to make us sad or angry or we’re simply not compatible and it just became apparent — my girlfriend says that although women want a caveman, we also want you to be an emotional caveman. You’ve got to protect us not only physically, but also emotionally (deal with our tears and hug us without groping for once). Tall order, but hey, better nookie guaranteed!

We Live Together but We’re Like Brother and Sister
Most likely this is for an emotional reason. We’re sad or angry about something. Often women lose desire for the guy that they lose the respect for (cheaters, beware). Sometimes there’s a physical reason like yeast infection, or psychological like body issues – feeling fat. Sometimes there was a major body trauma called giving birth (where her pelvic bones literally shift in best-case scenario and in the worst she’s got more injuries than if she got hit by a car). Sometimes it’s issues like stress or depression or — in an ironic twist — side effects from antidepressants.

But there’s a solution to all of those problems. That solution is called talking about it and listening. In other words: You be Prince Charming and we’ll be Insatiable.

Image by iStockphoto.

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