The Guy’s Guide to Key Fobs

I replaced my keychain because envy can suffocate.

See for most of my life, I paid zero attention to how I carried my keys.

I drifted from co-opted company swag to carabiners, caught in a loop of cartoonish key chains. But one day I saw a real man’s keychain. A friend had hitched it to his ever-impressive fashion wardrobe, but before that it belonged to a man from an era he called vintage. Maybe you’re familiar with this era.

Some time after that I found myself glancing down at the belt loops on my pants. What I saw sparked pangs of inadequacy and inequality. My eyes rested on a mountain climber’s safety tool. I chose that moment to acknowledge a truth. I no longer climb mountains. In fact, the mountains I have climbed are indoors. I am not an outdoorsy type. And so I had, at my bidding, a key chain that was at odds with the new stylish, grown-up version of me.

Stop what you’re doing and check your belt loops, pockets, or man purse. Read on if what you see no longer aligns with the man in the mirror. If you’ve committed to unarresting the development of your manhood, it’s time to unshackle that moonlighting bottle opener and purchase a key chain that says I’m an adult man, for real.

Dispatching your old keychain may seem difficult. You may wince as the memories of the doors you’ve opened with that key chain stab at your free will. Be strong.

Unlike my friend, I lack the patience needed to tail and bag vintage key chains on Etsy or eBay. So one day, I poked my head in a fashionable men’s store, Lost & Found, on Ossington Ave. My fiancée pointed me towards a display and that’s when I saw it.

It is a key chain from Makr, maker of handmade leather goods. It is a key chain with a snap hook and can be purchased in hipster-approved colours such as Ox Blood, Saddle Tan, and Bark. It’s unassuming, classic and functional. So I bought it. Well, my fiancée bought me it for Valentine’s Day. That was sometime in March, several weeks after Valentine’s Day if you’re counting.

Now I’m not saying you need to purchase this key chain. In fact, I don’t want to see you with the same key chain as me. Assess your style and find the key chain that works for you. Then hunt it down.

The way you carry yourself matters. And so does the way you carry your keys.

Pierre Hamilton is a freelance writer from Toronto, where some of his best friends describe him as an acquired taste. He enjoys bourbon and scotch, but craves craft beer, overproof Jamaican rum and great non-fiction. He has a very limited style knowledge but knows what he likes. He also produces a monthly music podcast called Sound Considerations. Follow him, but not too closely, on Twitter.

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