As we’re sure you’ve gathered by now, Old Spice is back with new products and weirdness. Not quite The Man Your Man Could Smell Like, but there is a bunch of stuff.
How much is a bunch? Well, Old Spice is slinging antiperspirant, deodorant, body spray, and body wash, each in five different scents. There’s also some bar soap and 2-in-1 hair care, but those only come in one scent—but it’s the best one. So here the scents are, ranked from fresherer to fresher:
Timber (fresher than forests and nobility!) is the manliness of scents. Like you remember your dad’s shaving towel when you were a kid. We’d rate it five out of five biceps curled.
Denali (fresher than wilderness and freedom!) is your boots after you’ve crossed a river, hiked a forest, and climbed a mountain. We’d wrestle a wolf for more.
Citron (fresher than limes and life success!) smells like a tropical vacation with festive rum drinks and several babes. We’d toast it with a daiquiri.
Amber (fresher than tree sap and danger!) is what happens when a man consumes and entire blackcurrant pie for himself. We’d pay for it in James Bond poses.
Fiji (fresher than coconuts and daydreams!) smells like an ocean breeze punctuated by jet skiing. We’d become castaways for it.
