Initiating conversation with someone you like can be nerve-wracking. It usually involves heavy duty eye-contact, a smile and some kind of witty anecdote (that probably took you about seven minutes to come up with before you approached her), and some sweating. Once you’ve finally crossed that hurdle, and you’re vibing each other, there’s that other all-important grand gesture—that also involves even more sweating—to tackle: the sign that tells her you wanna sex her up.
If you’re too aggressive, you could turn her off. If you’re too weak, she could either miss your signal or, again, turn her off (we females can be a fickle bunch, sometimes). To avoid embarrassment, and more importantly, to get yourself laid, here are some tips for you to successfully initiate sex (without having to recite that Salt ‘n Pepa’s “Let’s Talk About Sex” even if that would be kind of cool).
I was out on a date with this guy who sold military weapons. The date went okay. Nice convo, but no real spark. At the end of the night, we found ourselves out on the sidewalk, in the middle of that awkward ‘nice to meet you/good bye forever’ salutation. Just as I was about to delicately make my escape, he stopped me and said, “So, uh, do you want to come back to my place so I can show you how to download . . . stuff?”
Earlier we had playfully discussed my inability to effectively pirate TV shows and movies from the Internet (you’re welcome, film industry), but I was pretty sure ‘download stuff’ was geek slang for “do sex stuff to me.”
I was flattered, but it just wasn’t going to happen. I said something lame like, “It’s really late.” He said, “Oh. Yeah, sure,” while looking all blue (balls) and I felt bad. Not because I said no (every woman has that right) but because for someone who had such an ultra-cool and stealth-like profession, his attempt to bed me was anything but.
If sex hasn’t been brought up, it’s all right to put it on the table, but do so with confidence. Confidence is sexy. Don’t hide what you’re up to. We’re adults here. We both know we’re not really going to attempt to download the entire series of “Grace Under Fire” at one a.m. Being upfront not only makes you look like a guy with integrity, but it also means you’re a guy who isn’t shy to declare what he wants—which is a good thing inside and outside of the bedroom. As Toronto sexpert Dr. Jess says: “If you want it, simply ask for it.”
Sometimes in relationships, sex with your S.O. gets a little played out. To maintain her attention—and to keep her hot and bothered—some creativity goes a long way. One suggestion: plan a movie night and then pop in some porn, and, well, she’ll get the idea. If you don’t think your girlfriend will appreciate that stuff, then opt for a movie with a wicked steamy love scene, like Fatal Attraction, Unfaithful. or whatever simulated sex turn turns your crank. Just make sure yours is the real deal after the popcorn is finished (that is, if you even make it through the bowl of whatever Kriss Angel is plugging).
Or if you’re more of an audio-visual kind-of-guy, maybe a naughty bedtime story can do the trick. Dr. Jess, suggests: “Pick an erotic book or story and read her a passage. It might elicit a few laughs, spark conversation or just get her hot and ready to go right then and there.” Plus, this could be the perfect opportunity for you to find out what all the fuss is about behind Fifty Shades of Grey.
If your sweetie has had a hard day at work, offer to give her a neck massage. Some TLC goes a long way. Not only does human touch have organic healing properties (it’s known to lower stress and blood pressure) but, if there’s one thing I know to be true, is that if your boyfriend is nimble with his fingers, then he’s probably nimble with other appendages and his touch will most likely have orgasmic healing properties, too. So, yeah. She’ll be glad you took the time to offer that “massage.”
Cool it (a little)
When I was in that “what are we now?” phase with my ex on-and-off-boyfriend, he would stay over at my place almost every other night. On the couch. We’d watch movies (not porn) and eat dinner together, cuddle a little bit even, but dude would not. Make. A. Move.
At first I thought he was just being respectful of our ups-and-downs and wanted to take things slow. Then I just thought he was being super annoying. He was a tease. Mean, even. Who stays over every night at a woman’s place and doesn’t even cup a feel? It made me as hard up as a fifteen year old boy with a box of tissues and an old copy of Barely Legal.
So what did I do? I took matters into my own hands (and lips). Literally. I let him know how much I wanted him—right then and there. Afterwards, he admitted that he was just waiting for me to make the move. So, you see, guys, sometimes playing it cool makes it totally worth the wait.
Sometimes you gotta make like John Keating and seize the day, gentlemen. If you’ve got a mad jones for a girl, let her know—the more decisively, and passionately, the better. Proven (ahem) techniques include: grabbing and planting a mega-hot kiss on your beloved in the middle of the bar that shows her you mean business. Then tell her how “hot” she is and how much you “want” her “right now.” Basically, and literally, sweeping a woman off her feet will do the trick (we do like that damn movie The Notebook for a reason). Done, and done.
Now, go get some.
Brianne Hogan is a freelance writer based in Toronto, something of a humorist, and considers herself more Bridget Jones than Samantha Jones. Though she won’t reveal which parts, she will admit to liking emotionally unavailable men and drinking lots of wine. You can follow her on Twitter @briannehogan