The 10 Most Annoying Things You Do

We love you, but sometimes you make us want to eat glass. Here are the top ten most annoying things that men do. Please stop.

1. Learned helplessness
You bought soap and kept track of car keys before we met. Surely you can still hold it together now.

2. Priority misalignment
Guests are arriving for dinner in an hour. The place is a mess. Why is it suddenly crucial to wash the car?

3. Misplaced machismo
I love your strong arms. I don’t love risking an embolism when I strain to unscrew the pickle jar lid that you replaced with gusto.

4. Equipment repositioning
Save, maybe, for the most humid days of summer, there’s no excuse for constant shifting. Please, keep your hands where I can see them.

5. Electronics affair
I have breasts. Your BlackBerry does not. Why, then, does your gadget seem more interesting than me?

6. Inebriation as foreplay
Perhaps you don’t understand how booze works; you pounding beers does not actually increase my libido.

7. Careless childcare
Are you too big a man to acknowledge that a 105-degree fever is not cured with a hike?

8. TP aversion
Is there something beautiful about the sight of an empty toilet paper roll? Then why do you stare at it so much?

9. Early onset blindness
How can you not see the socks that have been on the floor for six days?

10. Flatulence concealment
There are only two people in the room; plus, I saw you shift weirdly in your chair. Just because I can’t hear it doesn’t mean I don’t know.

Image courtesy of Gorilla Sushi.

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15 thoughts on “The 10 Most Annoying Things You Do

  1. “Save, maybe, for the most humid days of summer, there’s no excuse for constant shifting. Please, keep your hands where I can see them.”

    Yeah, you’ve never had a penis.

  2. “4. Equipment repositioning
    Save, maybe, for the most humid days of summer, there’s no excuse for constant shifting. Please, keep your hands > where I can see them.”
    > Short Answer = Give me a break

    “5. Electronics affair
    I have breasts. Your BlackBerry does not. Why, then, does your gadget seem more interesting than me?”
    > If you’re this self conscious, me not looking at your breasts is the least of our problems.

    “6. Inebriation as foreplay
    Perhaps you don’t understand how booze works; you pounding beers does not actually increase my libido.”
    > Perhaps YOU don’t know how booze works. I’m actually not trying to increase your libido. If anything I’m trying to build mine. It’s fun. Join in.

    “10. Flatulence concealment
    There are only two people in the room; plus, I saw you shift weirdly in your chair. Just because I can’t hear it doesn’t mean I don’t know.”
    > Really? REALLY? Well then – you asked for it.

  3. I like that first one – Learned Helplessness. Sometimes it really *is* helplessness. I threw a party at my place once, and had decided to cook some pizza for everyone. A couple of the girls looked at me, shook their heads sadly and shooed me out of the room. I was *willing* to do it, but they thought I was messing up.

    Not complaining, mind you. 🙂 Sometimes you girls think we’re so adorable when we try hard and fail. And then you give us sex. It’s a symbiotic relationship, and it seems to work.

  4. Oh man, this post is so terribly misandristic, it begs an answer.

    1. You give a man a crutch and he’ll incorporate it in his life. I’ve seen this dynamic over and over in couples, the woman makes it so by being over-dependable, then complains.

    2. The “subtle” male dynamics seem to elude you. Just trust us, it matters.

    3. So maybe you shouldn’t have blown the gym-pass-for-christmas affair out of all proportion? Just sayin’…

    4. You have no friggin idea sister! Trust me, it bothers us more than you. Your homework for next week is to walk 24/7 with a strapon, hands tied. Hmm… come to think of it, take pictures.

    5. Typical misplaced stereotyping of what’s interesting for men. Turns out 70% of our awake time, the BB -is- more interesting than your boobs. Tough break.

    6. Been said before: it’s to increase our own libido. With some women, we just plain need it.

    7. Sorry, I guess my maternal instinct just didn’t kick in…

    8. Most of the time we go to the washroom, we don’t need the TP roll. Why would we even need to notice it, much less stare at it? Chances are good you finished it anyway.

    9. They’re fine where they are, move them and I won’t be able to find them.

    10. That’s got nothing to do with men or women. You’re just uptight and you need to deal with that somewhere else than by taking it out on men in a public forum. The local “womyn circle” is probably counterproductive though…

    Luckily, there are plenty of women out there who don’t hate men. Guess I’d be in a world of trouble otherwise…

  5. My fiance is guilty of most of those points too. Can you talk to her about it. I’d really like to fix this problem that I have because this is a serious issue.

    C U Next Tuesday

  6. We also love you, but sometimes you make us want to drink lava with a hint of molten liquid glass on top as a cherry. Here are your top ten most annoying things that you think we do. Stop judging us. Please stop.

    1. Learned helplessness

    Trust me sweetheart, We finding our keys will never ever take more then a minute, before you or after you or WITH you in my life. Still we are better then your 15 minutes in ATM booth trying to find card from your purse.

    2. Priority misalignment

    If you’ll let me in kitchen then I’ll shine that too. You want to be boss of your domain (beside the fact that most chef’s are male), so we let you control everything and still you want to complaint. BLAH!

    3. Misplaced machismo

    We have many-MANY way to prove our machismo, pickle jar theory is just not part of it. Few boxes you want tight, few you want loose, make up your mind first.. and Hope u do remember that we are talking about ‘your’ ” Kitchen Zone “.

    4. Equipment repositioning

    if ‘Equipment’ is down, then we take care of it, if its “UP” then usually you take care of it. So, If you want to take over my job too… be my guest and yh! as in Bonus, you’ll see my hands all the time.

    5. Electronics affair

    If I look at my BB or my friends BB or any BB, it will never shout at me saying “WHY ARE YOU STARING .. PERVERT”. We guys are so much misjudged that we don’t know to look at it or not to look at it or matter of fact ‘How to look at it’

    6. Inebriation as foreplay

    Please don’t even make me start on this, for heavens sake ‘Girls Gone Wild’ is the biggest proof that you have nothing on us.

    7. Careless childcare

    We need a break to cool off our 105 degrees temp which has been rising due to all chick flick we are forced to watch and have to keep our mouth shut. No Complaints. No critiques. No nothing. And now we can’t even take a hike ( thou its mere an escape)

    8. TP aversion

    We need TP only when we shit, you need double (or triple) the TP , so hope you won’t mind taking DOUBLE CARE of it.

    9. Early onset blindness

    If you cant see them from 6 days, how you expect me to see them? … Wait, I know superMAN who can see things beyond walls or sofa , but trust me, am not him. So lets re-phrase the perfect example of Blindness, that would be not seeing the fuel meter of your car which is less then a feet away from your eyes… Bulls-eye!!

    10. Flatulence concealment

    You non-stop-talk on face, on phone & JUST gossip in your free time (or you make a free time for it ) just to release “WHATEVER” you need to release , and we can’t even fart to release what’s inside us… C’mon!!!
    Or, in smart terms, go read Bio books or talk to your doctor, he/she will explain you in details on the issue you are most interested in.

    Am not a stereotype or member of some anti-women squad, I do have an awesome mom and a lovely girlfriend in my life, whom I love to core, as much as I love to clear the facts in the same tone they are told to me.

    Peace out.

    Cheerz!

  7. No crap. I agree with Kam on all points. Too many women bash men 24/7. The gas gauge isnt that hard to find. When we make a mistake its huge but when women do it its just a slight oversight…….riiiight! Lets keep things fair and understand everyone makes mistakes.

  8. Hmmmm. The intricacies of two people becoming two people-in-relationship…!

    I’m assuming that you were writing to be acerbically funny, yes?

    If not, I hope that (1) – another year on – you have gained some perspective, and that (2) you realize that grace is given and received with joy in a relationship when we encounter the other person where they’re at, rather than where we want them to be; control is tough to surrender….

    Grace and peace,

    Eric

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