I’ve hit a wall. I’m not sure whether there’s some kind of magnetic field over women’s heads that changes properties once we cross the 30 Rubicon. All of a sudden, the playing field’s either single men under 28 or over 40. And since I’m a firm believer in sliding scales, I like to go down.
Age wise, I mean. There’s just something about a younger guy that makes a woman feel totally hot. You’ve seen Unfaithful, right? That’s me, before old man Gere goes and kills my boy toy. Anyway, if you want to be a real-life Olivier Martinez to my Diane Lane, there are just five rules for you to follow when you first start dating an older woman:
1. Ladies First. It doesn’t matter where. Open the door for her. Let her enter the elevator first. Keep your eyes on her, no matter how many hot younger women walk by. And rock her socks off before you get your rocks off.
2. Keep Talking. That is, she will. Women like to talk, and older women like it more. The key here is to connect, ask questions, especially if you don’t know what the hell it is she’s on about. She likes to know that her date has healthy synapses, and is mature enough to relate to her at her level.
3. Older Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Sometimes, it’s not about laying your coat on a puddle so she can walk over it. Sometimes, it’s about pushing her off the sidewalk and into a snowdrift to give each other the whitewashing of your lives. It will guarantee you an even better rubdown between the sheets.
4. Honesty. If you choose to date an older woman, remember not to assume that just because she’s older, she’s cooler about things. The only way to find out where she stands on an issue is simply to ask. Straightforward is best.
5. And when you meet the older woman of your dreams, just remember the most important rule. Never ask her age.
Sally forth, you strapping specimen of (young) manhood.
