Marilyn Monroe plucked hairs from her hairline to make her forehead bigger (and sexier, of course) and it’s been said she was obsessed with looking fly. Nothing unusual about a girl wanting to please.
Women insert silicone into their bodies, botulinum toxins (Botox, duh) into their foreheads, pay to chemically burn their faces to look younger. They slather themselves in various poisons intended to make them shine, not shine, to make their hair bounce, stay straight, or survive biohazard bleaching. They remove hair from their bodies via various methods of torture (personally, I found waxing more painful than childbirth) to get more beautiful.
The things we do for you men! At the same time, often these beauty treatments have nothing to do with what you think of us. We just do this to ourselves for a bunch of complicated reasons. Because we’re crazy? Because we think that you won’t like us the way we are? (Yet here’s a test: what do you think about hairy legs on a girl?) Anyway, it seems like we’ve been crazy for centuries – here are six insane beauty treatments:
1. Cleopatra was said to use crocodile poo mixed with donkey milk as a face mask.
2. In ancient Greece women would lighten their hair by using arsenic. Blonde and dead. Hot.
3. In Spain in the late 18th century, girls ate clay (causes anemia) to stay pale. Half-dead and porcelain.
4. In Edwardian England weight-conscious girls would swallow tapeworms to stay slim. Now there’s an effortless diet!
5. Also in England, ladies liked to eat a little bit of arsenic to give their white skin a lovely glow. Beam me up beauty.
6. Ceruse – a piquant mix of lead and vinegar — was major ingredient in skin foundations from about 1500s to 1700s. Sometimes you’d add a dash of mercury to get that chic sparkly sheen. A once-silvery goddess would die a bald, paralyzed corpse with blackened teeth.
Image courtesy of massdistraction.