Advanced Bedroom Negotiation

Recently, Vice magazine published an article about the reasons why women are not crazy about a certain sexual practice. Personally, (like I’m going to tell you).

This sparked some conversations with my Research Girl Team about table negotiations. In other words, how you negotiate your wants/needs/kinks with a partner so that both sides feel comfortable and respected and, most importantly, happy. Let’s face it, if you only get off by having balloons pop in your face and she’s afraid of loud noises, you might not find your happily-ever-*POP!* (sorry)-after. But if you can master the intricacies of table negotiations, compromise may be possible. (Balloons every other Sunday?)

How Important is It?
Pros: She’s cool, she’s smart, she’s beautiful, she loves you.
Cons: She is not into balloons.
Here’s the thing: a true fetishist has to have his/her fetish fulfilled, otherwise very sad face. But if this is less a “fetish,” more a “would-be-awesome,” then you need to be okay with the idea that it may not happen, but that you get to be with a cool, smart, beautiful, loving girl. Not good enough? You could make everyone miserable and cheat with a balloon-lover but a kinder thing to do would be to leave.

Bring up the balloons (and seriously, this is not the time to be cute and coy — if the balloons are your dirty little secret, please be assured that it will come out sooner or later).  Ask her what her thing is. She may have a thing. Put her thing and your balloons on the table. Now, the goal doesn’t have to be getting your way exactly, but getting as close as possible.  Can you live with her asking you to wear a little ruffled dress to bed once in a while if it means every other Sunday is balloon day? If yes, congratulations, if no, take the balloons off the table, tell her to forget the ruffled dress, and adapt: see if there’s something else you can trade.

Stay cool and don’t apologize for having a sex drive. She wants to be with you, not with a neutered version of you. Tell her that this is what would make you happy but you understand that she has boundaries, and you’re happy to compromise. Listen to her objections (in Vice, most of the objections were health-related — a reasonable point.) Don’t threaten (“Fine, I’ll go to a balloon hooker then!”). Don’t whine and pout. Don’t hold grudges if she says no. Ask her what her fears are and be empathic. (Maybe there was a scary balloon-popping clown at her sixth birthday party.)

Image courtesy of fotobydave.

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