An Immodest Proposal

Some very good news, today, April 1. In a press release that I will locate online shortly, a study from leading egologists confirms that which civilized males the world over have suspected since time immemorable:

ALMOST EVERY WOMAN SECRETLY WANTS YOU.

Don’t worry about the “almost” qualification — there’s plenty for everyone, still allowing society to function at a rudimentary (versus outright rude) level.

As will be borne out by the report once I find it, here are just some of the categories covered:

— that barista with the tiny zircon nose stud
— every female customer in that coffee shop
— every mother/nanny in that playground/schoolyard*
*yes, including your child(ren)’s mother/nanny
— all of your ex-girlfriends
— all of your ex-girlfriends’ female friends
— all of your ex-girlfriends’ mothers (no need to act — just, nice to know)
— every Gap greeter, and most cashiers
— every woman in your office
— every woman in your office building
— every woman in your office’s accounting department, at that branch in the other province
— every girl who was in the same academic institution at the same time as you from grade 9 to (optional) Ph.D.
— that one that just passed you on the sidewalk
— and that one

Gentlemen, there are 53 categories altogether, including women in grocery stores, in museums, in libraries and Chapters/Indigo (but, strangely, not independent bookstores), in the ticket booth at the art-house cinema, in Winners and Wal-Mart (we know you don’t shop there, but you were walking past the entrance and they saw you) and, frustrating for being so close yet so far, all those female executives in traffic gridlock.

Here are the only exceptions — not too hard to “except,” eh?

— that barista with the large-gauge-barbell nose ring
— your friend’s significant other*
*which can be mitigated by the following two qualifications: (i) every female friend of your friend’s significant other secretly wants you, and (ii) your friend’s significant other does secretly want you, really.

So, go forth gentlemen. For God’s sake, don’t multiply more than you really need to. Just go forth. Take comfort in the fact that you could if you wanted to, just like that. A conglomeremirate of men has finally proven that almost every woman secretly wants you. Of course they do. Can you blame them?

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Image courtesy of thepeachmartini.

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5 thoughts on “An Immodest Proposal

  1. This article is such nonsense. If this provides inspiration to those who really need it, great. Honestly though, aren’t there better things to worry about? How shallow is the writer? (Est-ce que écrivain est si superficiel?)

  2. Last night, the cashier at the LCBO complimented a bottle of Rioja I was buying and volunteered to help me drink it. Given a few other observations she made, it was clear she was new to the world of oenophilia but a keen judge of body and finish.

  3. I hope the majority of men who read this will be quick enough to understand the significance of the date on which it appears, and maybe even that the study was based on results of “EGOlogy” research. But, seriously, do we really have to encourage them like this? They behave as if it’s true regardless…

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