How to Get Laid Off

When the economy tanked and so many of my co-workers got canned, I somehow kept my job. What a rip-off.

A pink slip can be a ticket to freedom. While my former colleagues enjoyed their severance packages and then followed their dreams — one launched a successful photography business, another is training as a yachtsman in the Mediterranean — I was stuck working for The Man.

I’m tired of getting passed over. I asked Fiorella Callocchia of Toronto’s HR Impact for the best ways to get my name atop my boss’s lay-off list. Of course, getting fired is easy: Even George Constanza could do that.  (Well, almost.) Getting that coveted golden parachute is another matter entirely, and a very delicate art.

Be a Squeaky Wheel
Let your boss know that you feel under-appreciated (a more politic term than unappreciated, though meaning essentially the same thing) — and, more to the point, underpaid. Ask for an ambitious and slightly inappropriate raise.

Be Proactive
When you hear about restructuring, let your manager know that you’d consider a package.

Be Generous
When you nail a project, be sure to credit your co-workers. Conversely, when a colleague drops the ball, volunteer to take all the blame.

Be a Mentor
Take a less well-compensated junior under your wing, and teach him exactly how to do your job. Most important: Communicate all the skills and knowledge that would make you hard to replace.

Be Adequate
Settle for mediocrity. Good enough is perfect. Dress a touch too casually, and leave early everyday. After all, the early bird gets the golden parachute.

Image courtesy of Spoilt Cat.


3 thoughts on “How to Get Laid Off”

  1. Only an idiot would come up with ways to purposely get laid off for severance pay. If you are an employer as I am look for clowns like this one and demote them as soon as possible! Clowns like this guy with no vision are what kills corporate world. Real entrepreneurs pay the bills. They are they ones who took real risks to make it. This clown wants a win win situation. Go ask your momma for money and start that parachuting school you long for.

  2. I suppose this piece is mildly amusing if you are currently employed. However, it is not so funny to those of us who are busting our tails to find employment in this present economic situation.

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