Well, okay, I’m sure you’re okay. Better than average even sometimes. But don’t pat yourself too hard on the back—even experienced lovers can fumble in bed. Chances are you’re not even aware of the common mistakes you’re making. So, here’s your chance to be better than average. Here’s your chance to be great.
I recruited Good For Her’s Carlyle Jansen, a workshop facilitator and author of the upcoming Sex Yourself: The Woman’s Guide to Mastering Masturbation and Achieving Powerful Orgasms to help you guys out.
So here are the five most common mistakes men make in bed, and what you can do about them in order to be the best she’s ever had.
You Don’t Touch Her Enough
When was the last time you kissed your woman just because you wanted to show how much you care about her? Yeah. Thought so. One of the biggest mistakes occurs before sex even happens. “A lot of men kiss and touch their partner when they’re interested in sex, so what happens is, with a woman, when a partner goes to kiss her, her response is, ‘Oh my god! I don’t want him to think we are having sex tonight!’ So, it’s either sex or nothing,” says Jansen. “Women would be more open to their partner’s advances if they were more frequent. Women would be responsive if those gestures were more common. Touch her, stroke her, express yourself.” And don’t always do it when you’re horny.
Your Penis Is Not the Ultimate Tool To Her Pleasure
Yes, fellas, much pleasure does come from your penis, but it’s not the end all and be all when it comes to satisfying her in the sack. Jansen recalls the story of Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First, who suffered from erectile dysfunction and wondered how he would be able to satisfy his wife. “He got really good with his fingers and his tongues and toys,” says Jansen. “And he realised that she didn’t miss his penis.” So all of that stuff you do during foreplay? You should really hone in on that rather than making intercourse the “main event”.
“Most people view foreplay as a way to get her into the mood, but the real event is intercourse. But most women prefer that other stuff,” says Jansen. “The penis is usually the icing to the cake, but who wants icing without cake?”
You Assume Every Woman Likes The Same Thing
Just like snowflakes, every woman is unique. Often times, your go-to moves that worked with your last partner won’t work for your new girlfriend. “Not every woman is the same, and not only that, but what we liked on Friday is going to be different on Wednesday,” says Jansen. “I always say, ‘you never step in the same river twice.’ Every time you have sex is a new person, it’s a new adventure. And if you approach it’s like ‘I’ll do A, B then C,’ it becomes robotic.”
Jansen suggests exploring your woman’s body. “Does she like it on the side? Does she like being touched on the underside of her breast? What can you rediscover that brings some of that energy and connection rather than it feeling like you’re going through a sequence or thinking, ‘Why isn’t this working? It worked last week, and it worked with my last three partners?’” Try again, dude. And then try a different way after that. And after that . . .
You Don’t Get Her to Talk
We know that communication is key to a hot sex life, but how does that work when most women remain silent in fear of bruising their man’s ego? Get her to talk. And rather than ask her, “Did you like that?”—because she’ll just say no—Jansen suggests giving her something that has two equal responses. “Like, ‘do you want it harder or softer?’ or ‘do you prefer it on the left or right?’ That will help her articulate what she likes, and you’ll have a better sense of what she likes,” says Jansen. “And when she gives you feedback, say, thank you.”
According to Jansen, another big complaint that women make is: “He goes too fast, and he goes too hard.” So, if your woman asks you to go lighter, check in with her and ask, “Is that light enough?” Says Jansen, “Make sure that you’re getting the information that you need to help get what she wants. Then, when she gets what she wants, she’s much more likely to speak up, she’s much more likely to enjoy herself, and she’s much more likely to have sex again.”
You Switch it Up Too Much
Slow and steady wins the race in terms of a woman reaching orgasm. “We need a good constant rhythm that goes on for longer than most men think. “As soon as it feels good, then thirty seconds later, he’s trying something else. And it’s like ‘no, no no! That’s what was working!’ And so you should be checking in and ask her if she wants you to keep doing that,” says Jansen.
“Sometimes she may want you to keep doing the same thing for five minutes so she can find that rhythm and eventually come. It may seem like it’s boring but often women complain that it switches too quickly.”
You Don’t Know Her Body (except for the T&A)
Okay, so this is the sixth mistake you make —but we just want to make sure we have all bases covered so you can be the stud you’re meant to be. Anyway. Another key ingredient to a spicy sex life is getting to know where her erogenous zones are. “Don’t assume her breasts are sensitive. A lot of times breasts are not, even though they’re thought to be the ultimate spot,” says Jansen. “Here you are wasting your time and energy trying to bring her to arousal, and it’s not working. Women are much more varied than men are. Men are more predictable in the way that what works for one man most often works for another. There’s not a lot of erogenous zones. Whereas women have the G spot, the A spot, the clitoris, the labia, the cervix, some like it inside the anus, outside of the anus. There are a lot of different spots, but most people think there’s a vagina and the clit.” So, have fun exploring, gents!
If you’re interested in learning more about how to please your lover in bed, Good For Her has a tonne of workshops to choose from. Jansen says that, in general, men are hesitant to attend a workshop because they believe that just means they’re a lousy lover. Wrong! “Men are often surprised about how much they learn,” she says. “The fact that you’ve come to a workshop means that you’re already a great lover. Someone who thinks they know it all is a terrible lover.”
Brianne Hogan is a freelance writer based in Toronto, something of a humorist, and considers herself more Bridget Jones than Samantha Jones. Though she won’t reveal which parts, she will admit to liking emotionally unavailable men and drinking lots of wine. You can follow her on Twitter @briannehogan.