Advocates of abstinence are known for the not-entirely-helpful maxim that the safest sex is no sex at all. They do have a point, though, and if you are so pig-headed as to engage in any of the practices below, then you can pretty much count on being blissfully free of any concerns related to STDs or unwanted offspring (you might, however, be very, very lonely — your call). Here, seven forms of social birth control among men.
1. The Farmer’s Blow
Blowing your nose into anything other than a hanky or tissue? Even farmers are more civilized than that.
2. The Bathroom Recap
When you emerge from the bathroom, there’s no need to offer us a full description of the experience. When we said, “Tell us everything about you,” we didn’t mean everything.
3. The Kroeger
Anytime you play Nickelback, you can be sure that we will be rocking right out the door.
4. The Bad Laugh
Though not technically your fault, a bad laugh is an audible anti-aphrodisiac. Nothing like a conversation when you hope you won’t say anything funny.
5. The Text Chat
If you’re texting while I’m talking, you’ll soon be using your hands for more than just SMS.
6. The How’s-My-Hair
If you ask me how your hair is — and getting ready for an evening out takes you longer than me — we’ve got a problem. And it’s not your hair.
7. The It-Was-You
Passing gas and then blaming the lady? Not only unchivalrous, but also entirely unconvincing.
Naomi Snieckus is the co-artistic director of the improv theatre troupe The National Theatre of the World and the winner of this year’s Canadian Comedy Award for best female improviser.
Image courtesy of Rock and Racehorses.