7 Epic Turn-Offs

Advocates of abstinence are known for the not-entirely-helpful maxim that the safest sex is no sex at all. They do have a point, though, and if you are so pig-headed as to engage in any of the practices below, then you can pretty much count on being blissfully free of any concerns related to STDs or unwanted offspring (you might, however, be very, very lonely — your call). Here, seven forms of social birth control among men.

1. The Farmer’s Blow
Blowing your nose into anything other than a hanky or tissue? Even farmers are more civilized than that.

2. The Bathroom Recap
When you emerge from the bathroom, there’s no need to offer us a full description of the experience. When we said, “Tell us everything about you,” we didn’t mean everything.

3. The Kroeger
Anytime you play Nickelback, you can be sure that we will be rocking right out the door.

4. The Bad Laugh
Though not technically your fault, a bad laugh is an audible anti-aphrodisiac. Nothing like a conversation when you hope you won’t say anything funny.

5. The Text Chat
If you’re texting while I’m talking, you’ll soon be using your hands for more than just SMS.

6. The How’s-My-Hair
If you ask me how your hair is — and getting ready for an evening out takes you longer than me — we’ve got a problem. And it’s not your hair.

7. The It-Was-You
Passing gas and then blaming the lady? Not only unchivalrous, but also entirely unconvincing.

Naomi Snieckus is the co-artistic director of the improv theatre troupe The National Theatre of the World and the winner of this year’s Canadian Comedy Award for best female improviser.

Image courtesy of Rock and Racehorses.


9 thoughts on “7 Epic Turn-Offs”

  1. Seriously, why the backlash against Nickelback? They’re one of the few bands with real rock and real instruments, as opposed to the electronic club garbage so many people listen to.

    For the opposite list (men’s tips to women), add the Lady Gaga. You play Lady Gaga or any of that clubbish garbage and I’m out the door!

  2. I feel the same about nickelback. You girls are so selfish. Always judging and telling us how to be or what to be. Also stop accusing us of stuff you girls do like freaking texting all the time. Or is it that you think that all the girls are the same as you? I won’t go in détails of what i mean. I will just say, I believe you more trouble then its worth.

  3. Martin and Gerald, excellent posts! The articles on this site seem to be mainly from high maintenance, pretentious women. It’s like we are supposed to bow down to them and be honoured to be graced with their presence.

    Maybe I’m lucky, but the women I’ve known and dated weren’t like that. I’m fairly new in Ontario, don’t live in Toronto though. I don’t find women standoffish or pretentious here, is it different in the city itself or does this site just find the self-important seeming ones to write for them?

  4. Settle down, guys. I agree that the “XXonXY” articles often leave alot to be desired, but if you’ve got a problem with any of these items, then you’ve got problems. This ain’t high-maintenance stuff here. I mean seriously, who actually does #1 or 2 or 7? Or #3, for that matter.

  5. It’s more of a general comment. 1 and 2 are obvious. But 3 is personal taste. Nickelback is one of my favourite bands and I think all club music is crap. But I wouldn’t avoid dating or befriending someone who liked club music. By the same token, if I’m accepting of that music, they’d have to be accepting of mine!!

  6. Nickelback have two great songs and if I played them in the right context you would unquestioningly go home with me. Just because Chad Kroeger is vapid, doesn’t mean he can’t write a great song, and Burn it to the Ground is one of them. And while I’m here, I would love the opportunity to write your article, but directed at women. I’ll get the whole sales team here in on it and we’ll make the playing field even. 😉

  7. How is it that a putatively ‘GuyStuff’ section’s relationship section is all gurl ? More to the point, clueless gurls who want to Set The Rules for MEN, but who see any staying without OUR Rules as not even being worthy of acknowledgement.
    Here’s one for the gurls: When you need to have the toilet seat lowered, YOU do it. It’s not our job to prep the bathroom for you.
    Oh, and bring cash on a date; We guys aren’t Free Meal Providers.

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