How To Get Her Back

You want her back. You’ve been thinking about her 24/7, you’re humming Player’s “Baby, Come Back” all day long and you realize you’ve made a big—a huge!—mistake by letting her go. Maybe she dumped you. Maybe you broke her heart. It doesn’t matter. All you know is that you miss her company and you want to make things right again.


While I’m not a huge fan of the backslide, I do believe in second chances. It’s certainly not impossible to reunite with an ex, but it will take some work on your part. So, if you’re willing to put in some time, and commit to a little self-growth, you might win back that woman who captured your heart. Ready? Okay, let’s get started.

Take Some Space and Get Your Shit Together

Emotions run high pre and post-breakups, so it would be in your best interest to take some space to chillax and put things into a logical perspective. Do you seriously miss her, or do you just miss the idea of spooning someone—anyone? If it’s really your ex that you’re truly missing, then time apart will help refuel you emotionally in order for you to pull your own life together before attempting to draw her back into it. FYI: whining and crying isn’t becoming.  So stand up straight and assert to her—and to yourself- that no matter what happens, it’s all good. Remember: no one likes a mope.

Stop Making Promises and Walk the Talk

Ultimately, a bond was broken, so, yes, there will be some trust issues. But do you know what doesn’t help? Promises you can’t keep. I can’t stress enough: talk is cheap. If she is going to seriously consider getting back together with you, she’ll want to see how you’ve changed and how things are going to be different this time around. Simply ensuring her that it will be different doesn’t make it so. Was communication your Achilles’ heel? Then pick up the phone, my friend (yep, no texting!), and start using your words. Did she feel you excluded her from your guys’ nights? Then invite her out for a pint with the boys. You’ve gotta walk the talk and, then some.

Keep It Casual . . .

First and foremost: see her during the day. Grab lunch together, chat over coffee or, hell, go to one of those knitting clubs. Whatever you do, just make sure there is lots of daylight outside because 1) alcohol probably won’t be involved and 2) you won’t be tempted to have sex. If you’re serious about getting back together with her, like actually having a relationship and not just some ex sex, you have got to keep your pants on for a little while. At least until some trust has been repaired. You want to be the guy she first fell in love with; not the guy who smashed her heart into itty-bitty pieces.

And Keep Seeing Her Casually

Guys, you don’t just get one shot. Meaning, if you hit the target, or get damn well close to it, you don’t get to pack it all in and call it a day with a spring in your step. Your woman has to be won over a number of times. Of course the first time was easy because you didn’t have the history you share now. The stakes weren’t so high back when you first met. It was all tequila shots and making out in public spaces. But now, it’s tough. You have to keep earning your right to stay in the game. At the same time, all these casual get-togethers serve as great opportunities for you to check in with yourself and process what’s developing between you two. Do you still want her back, or do you just want to win? There’s a big difference between the two, and you better know what it is.

Go For It . . . or Not

OK, so after all this time “hanging out”, you’ve decided that, yes, you still do love this woman and you do want her back in your life. Then, tell her. Tell her what you’ve learned while you were apart and also what you’ve come to realize after spending time with her again.  Then, you better kiss her and kiss her good.

On the other hand, if you’ve realized that this isn’t what you want after all, get out now. Don’t waste your time anymore, and certainly don’t waste hers. There are worse things than being single. Don’t be with someone just to be with someone. And here’s the cool thing: all this “work” you’ve been doing on yourself will undoubtedly attract the right one for you.

Brianne Hogan is a freelance writer based in Toronto, something of a humorist, and considers herself more Bridget Jones than Samantha Jones. Though she won’t reveal which parts, she will admit to liking emotionally unavailable men and drinking lots of wine.  You can follow her on Twitter  @briannehogan.
Photo courtesy of Steven Dominguez

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