New Year’s Resolutions She’ll Never Make

There are three kinds of New Year’s resolutions: The kind you make and keep. These are rare. The kind you make, with the best of intentions, and don’t keep. These are common. And finally, the kind you don’t even make, because doing so would create a false sense of hope that would only be crushed soon after the declaration. Here, some resolutions that fall into category number three for me – and almost surely, for your girlfriend.

1. I’m going to focus more on sex and less on romance. The candles and flowers are nice, but I’m over it; this year, let’s do away with the frills and cut to the chase.

2. I’m going to stop talking so much about myself. Your job is far more interesting than mine; who cares about the people I work with? This year, I want to learn more about you – or at least sit in silence a whole lot.

3. I’m going to start hanging out with the girls more. Hope you can find something to do on your weekends, because I’m going to be spending lots of time away with my ladies!

4. I’d especially like to spend more time with my hot, single girlfriends. That’s why this is going to be the year of the ménage a trois!

5. This year, I really want to get better at cooking…meat. I hope you’re hungry!

6. I’m tired of shopping. This year, I’m going to save my money so we can finally get that home theatre system you’ve been wanting.

Image courtesy of Ginnerobot.

Comments

2 thoughts on “New Year’s Resolutions She’ll Never Make

  1. Why, I’am a chick, and I would TOTALLY make all of the resollutions listed, save for # 4 – and even at that, I’d change it to hot MALE friends and still do it! 😀
    (yes, seriously, I am a chick, I do have a BF and no, I’m not a 400-lb gamer gorilla with a 3-day shadow and gender identity issues) 😛

  2. Having recently read all of your articles here, Alexia (starting with the absolutely maniacal “How to be a Jerk”) I have a small tip for you (which might help you not seem like such a douche wallet):

    Instead of trying to convince the men who are reading these articles that “This is totally the same kind of shit your really self-absorbed GF is pulling!”, maybe you should instead include this caveat; “I am the woman you DO NOT WANT TO DATE, and this is the kind of shit women like me pull all the time. If you meet a woman and she engages in behaviour like mine, STAY THE FUCK AWAY”.

    This would probably enable people to read your columns without shaking their heads in stupefied bemusement, because, as it stands, you’re seriously giving us lady folk a real bad name.

    P.S. I do everything on that list for my husband. Yes, EVERYTHING. And I know I’m not the only one out there.

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