Pimp Your Pad

Last week, our resident book slut Jowita Bydlowska had readers bookmarking her column “No books, no booty.” “A gentleman who reads has 30 per cent more chance of fornicating with a female of his choosing,” she wrote. Further, “I would not do you were there no books on your walls or at least a Kobo loaded with stuff.” Interested in further upping your odds with the ladies? Go beyond books and start thinking beds, blossoms, hell, even blades (for cooking, that is). Here, some simple household touches that’ll have her touching you.

Look at your walls. Are they accented with familiar prints from your university poster sale, unique objects d’art or nothing at all? Blank walls = blank personality. And while Kandinsky’s Farbstudie Quadrate can brighten up any room, it suggests you have a freshman’s budget for art. And, no, losing the pushpins and framing it doesn’t make it any better. Walking into a man’s place for the first time and seeing an intriguing piece of art is a real turn-on. It shows you’re creative and cultured, and have an appreciation for beautiful things. Bonus points if you can offer an interpretation of the piece and some information on the artist. Start building up your collection. If there’s another piece around the corner, there will likely be another visit from her.

There’s something about a man with a green thumb. He’s down-to-earth, nurturing and eco-conscious — and that’s hot. Subconsciously, most women are looking for a man who would be a good father (don’t freak out; it’s a natural instinct) and keeping a plant alive and thriving is an early indicator that you may have what it takes. Having plants in your home also adds colour and texture, making it more attractive and showing you take pride in your space. Plants also improve air quality, by adding oxygen and humidity, which encourages heavy-breathing activities.

New Duvet and Sheets
You threw out your old sheets with your old girlfriend, right? If not, please do so now. No woman wants to sleep in the love nest you made with your ex. Gross. A fresh relationship deserves fresh sheets. Okay, you don’t have to run out to Bed, Bath and Beyond if your sheets look new. Just remember the four Cs: clean, crisp, cozy and coordinated. You want her to see herself in your sheets. A man with an attractive and inviting bed is proven to be better in bed.

A Sharp Knife
And other nice kitchen things you actually know how to use. An appreciation for gourmet cuisine will further your chances of fornicating with her, and if you know how to whip up paella in your kitchen, you’re just that much closer to your bedroom. Being well-endowed in the kitchen suggests, obviously, that you like to cook, which tells us you’re creative, patient and dexterous. If you do it right, creating fine food and enjoying it together is tasty foreplay. She’ll devour it — and you. And if there are cookbooks on your shelves? Just remember: Books = booty.

Image courtesy of The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.


5 thoughts on “Pimp Your Pad”

  1. My goodness, if I paid attention to this I’d never get laid at all! I don’t read (don’t have the time, prefer doing other things), have no appreciation for art in terms of paintings and sculptures (and I AM an artist), have managed to kill every plant I have had, and have had too many girlfriends to throw out sheets for every new one!

    I do cook, although fairly basic things, but I feed myself (and my ladies) all right.
    Perhaps I am the exception, but I am brutally honest with women whom I approach (and vice versa) and if they don’t like it, they can pitch in and help to change it…or leave!

    I notice that nowhere in this article is the “be yourself” credo adhered to.
    BELIEVE ME, it takes a LOT more effort to try to be someone you’re not! (And psssssstttt….most women find out eventually!)
    Yes, my home is a reflection of me. I like my TV, my movies, my computer, my music and my lady, not in that order. And I am going to guess I have had a lot more success being me than Ms. Delisle has had with HER boys!

  2. Sigh. Yet another vacuous ‘What I demand from a guy to see me naked’ screed. The bottom line is very simple; If you LIKE the guy, then everything’s fine. At least to start with. If you DON’T like the guy, then I really doubt that a well appointed kitchen and a great library will get you all hot and bothered. And, if those things do that for you, consider that you have a serious disorder where you treat men as objects.
    How about seeing what niceness and intelligence a woman can bring to the table ? Many of us guys have some standards in the women that we have relationships with, and most of the grrl ‘writers’ here would so badly fail that cut…

  3. Wow, why is this crap on your website? Hire writers who can actually help guys…not de-ball them. If this is what the magazine considers the “female perspective” than we’re all doomed. Gotta feel for any “boy” who’s unlucky enough to date her. I’m sure she wears the pants.

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