Sexting 101

In our digital dating world, how to sext good is now right up there with how to sex good.

Sexting is like foreplay—it needs to be spicy, creative, and leave enough to the imagination so both parties are eager to bring those sexting fantasies into real life.

But like any new sex move you add into your boudoir repertoire, the art of sexting can be tricky at first. Admittedly, with my first sexting experience, I copied and pasted a dirty passage I found on Yahoo Answers (yeah, let’s not even talk about why I was even at Yahoo Answers in the first place, let anyone why a writer couldn’t write her own sexting).

Your woman doesn’t deserve your sexting to be copied and pasted; she deserves original and orgasmic content. That’s why I asked OhhhCanada’s Katrina McKay, sexpert extraordinaire, to outline the dos and don’t’s for your next titillating text session.

You Can Sext Before You Sex

If you’ve never done the deed before, you can hit up her iPhone first—obviously when there’s been consent given.

“Sexting should happen when it feels right for both parties,” McKay says. “In the same way that you can get a feel for whether or not a woman wants a kiss on a first date, you can get a feel for whether or not she’s interested in your sexy texts.” Meaning, in McKay’s words “don’t go full bore right away.” That’s creepy and aggressive and will probably feel intrusive.

“Instead, start slowly and avoid sending sexts out of context,” she advises. “Sexting before you have sex can add anticipation—but only if you work your way up to it. Try for more of a romantic than a lusty tone. Compliment her. When you’re still testing the waters, go for subtlety.”

Pick Your Moments

You might be feeling frisky, but if your lady is sick or has just been fired or her cat died last night, then you should keep that in mind before you send her a “I wanna bone you” text.

“Sexting out of context can seem like all you want from her is sexy talk or sexy action, and that you’re disinterested in her as a person,” says McKay. “Keep perspective. When we sext, we don’t know exactly what the other person is doing as we can’t read their body language and we don’t know precisely what’s happening around them.” Remember: you’re a sensitive and sexual person, and so is your girl.

In a similar vein, if you’re really not sure what’s going on with your lover in the present moment but you want to send a sexy message anyway—that’s cool. Just know that if you don’t receive a response, you shouldn’t keep sending more texts.

“Maybe she’s in a big meeting. Maybe she’s with her parents. Maybe she’s just not into it. Maybe she’s just not into you. Or maybe she left her phone in the car and hasn’t gotten your text yet,” McKay says. “Just relax, and casually ask her about it the next time you’re actually speaking to each other in person or on the phone. Do not make a big deal of out it. You can always try again at a later date.”

It’s All About Her

If you want your woman to respond to your sexts—and not just by sexting, but also by IRL sexing—then you have to keep her in mind at all times. We know you’re already thinking about her, so let her know that, too.

“Focus on her. Tell her what you love about her and what’s sexy about her,” says McKay. ”Tell her how you want to make her feel, what you want to do to her. Make it personal.” And remember: no copying and pasting—and no repeating sexy messages you sent to your ex, either!

How To, Um, Get Off To a Right Start

You want to paint a picture—or, as McKay says, release your inner screenwriter.

“You’re not writing a novel here,” she reminds us. “Three sentences, max. Use some sexy descriptive words, but be concise.”

For couples, McKay advises to start with, “Remember when…” and fill in the details of naughty past experience you’ve shared together.

For a newer relationship, McKay says to try this variation: “The next time we’re alone together, all I want to do is…” and fill in the blank. This is how I start off the participants in my famous dirty talk workshop. We all send a sext to our lovers and we use that phrase to start us off.”

It Serves More Than One Purpose

Sexting is definitely a hot form of foreplay, but it’s also an awesome way to stay connected to your honey, and to your own sexy self.

“Don’t make [sexting] goal-oriented,” says McKay. “In most cases it leads to sex, but it doesn’t have to. It can give yourselves some good masturbation material if you can’t be together or you have opposing schedules. Even with a new and willing partner, it’s a great way to feel sexy and sexual when physical sex isn’t on the table. And sexting is hot in it’s own right—it’s not just a substitution or a lead-up. Long live the sexting revolution.”

Oh, and just more, very important detail about sexting, fellas:

Do not use emojis. Ever.

Photo courtesy of Michele Ursino.

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