One of my male friends disappeared from Facebook. No big deal but, as I knew this friend has been struggling with some serious health issues, I sent him a text asking if everything was OK.
It was. Or was it? “I got rid of all my female contacts. I’m trying to get back together with my ex. It’s worth it if she’s comfortable and can start to trust me.”
I wished him all the best and I imagined their future conversations. “Oh, hello. Could you mail me your balls in a little box, like we discussed?” “No problem, sweetie-pie. Would you like a little bow on the little box?”
Guys, seriously: Don’t put up with Crazy. I can ’fess up right now and tell you that a lot of my instincts orbit around Crazy but I try not to act on them for the same reasons I don’t pee in public — just because I could don’t mean I should. If you think she might be shopping for a box for your balls, here are five behaviours that suggest you are on the verge of doing the gift-wrapping yourself.
Listen: Unless you’re really dumb enough to write flirtatious or sleazy comments under any/every girl’s picture, your sweetheart asking you to get rid of exes, singles and pretties on Facebook — or, as in my friend’s case, all of the females — is downright creepy. Qualifies as an automatic ball in a box.
It’s called a password because it’s supposed to protect your privacy, and your girlfriend (or your mom or your lawyer) shouldn’t have access to it unless it’s for legal reasons or because you’re a big, open, lovable golden retriever of a guy who has nothing to hide. By the way, if you have something to hide (like a fling), you’re going to get caught anyway with a password-demanding girlfriend.
Have to be home at midnight? If you agree to that, then you may as well just hand over cojones while you’re at it. Unless there’s a baby at home or you need to administer her meds at a certain time, as a grownup you should be able to have an occasional night out when the only promise you can make is “I’ll be home before dawn.” (Dawn, by the way, is at 6:42 a.m.)
I know two guys who were not allowed to invite their friends to their weddings. Both guys have since got theirs back along with the little box and the divorce papers but let this serve as a cautionary tale: You can only live without them (balls, friends) for so long before you hate your life and your wife. The only “friends” that you should probably get rid of are drug dealers, pedophiles and Michele Bachmann supporters.
Fitness and beauty editing
Your lover cares about your well-being and your looks, and that’s a good thing — healthy body and mind are what keeps the attraction going. But if she’s mean about it, if she’s constantly berating you about losing weight, eating more salad, growing some hair, you should probably grow a pair too, while you sit there and put up with it.
Image courtesy of Pollobarba.