Dirty Thirty: Sex with No Strings Attached

Both sexes can (mostly) agree that relationships are great. Men are typically painted as wandering types, but it’s worth noting that enough women do actually think that variety is a good thing.

Yes, that type of woman is out there: the one who wants to just have sex for the sake of having sex. She’s usually in her 30s, though I’m sure she can be younger, too. Some of us don’t need to be emotionally reassured and treated like golden princesses just because we put out. Seriously, at this point in my life, if I were single, I’d actually pay you not to write me a poem after we sleep together. And I’m not the only Dirty 30 who thinks this way.

But you guys don’t get it. You make everything so dramatic. Complicated.

A close friend recently tried to communicate to a guy who’s been flirting with her for some time that she wanted to just have sex with him (in fact, she straight out told him). He couldn’t seem to wrap his head around the idea. She spent weeks texting and sexting with him before finally managing to lure him out. But then he wanted to talk about things instead of doing things. So they never did things.

My friend and I talked about what happened, and what went wrong, and came up with these five rules to help guys figure out if a girl wants to sleep with you and know that that’s all she wants.

She tells you that’s all she wants.
She says something like “Hey, we should have sex.” Or something like “Hey, let’s have sex.” Or even something like “I’d like to have sex with you.”

She flirts.
Okay, not just flirts: She specifically alludes to the way you look or the way she looks, she talks about her panties (panties, specifically, yes), she may tease you about your prowess, she touches you, presses herself against you and… tells you that she wants to sleep with you.

She’s comfortable when you allude to sex.
Also, you’re comfortable letting your “pervert” out around her. Basically, she doesn’t shy from that type of talk — in fact, she may actually take it to the next level by trying to out-shock you. (You know, you say a dirty/naughty word, and she brings up being a fan of BDSM.)

She’s the bigger pervert.
She actually says the words that you don’t dare say. She names the deliciously filthy acts you’re thinking of. She generally seems to be more forward than you.

She’s not bringing up getting together later that week or the next month.
She doesn’t insist on sending you some links or going to see a show together. She’s in this for quality time, and I’m not talking about enrichment.

Image courtesy of Vincent Luigi Molino.


12 thoughts on “Dirty Thirty: Sex with No Strings Attached”

  1. It is wonderfully Karmic that the email I sent just before opening my eagerly anticipated email from XY was written  to a woman explaining why I had ended our “FWB”, or “No Strings Attached” relationship which has gone on for a little over a year. It is ironic that the woman who said that the man who preferred to hang out and get to know her was a disappointment and that we men, “don’t get it. You make everything so dramatic. Complicated.”  I have read that it takes men longer to heal from break ups and divorces. From experience I know this is true for me. I  know many men who just like myself long for connectedness, emotional intimacy, passion in and out of the bedroom, just as much as we want crazy hot monkey sex. Indeed in my personal work  as a member of a Mens’ Group for 20 years,  the only men who were OK with simply fucking lots of different women were  all self labelled “sex addicts” who used sex and women the way some people use drugs, alcohol, credit cards, or gambling to numb their inner pain, fill the emptiness within, and distract themselves from what they really need to work through. Is this a “Human” rather than a “Gender Issue” now?

    In my own chequered relationship history, my experience has been that women usually want the balance of power in the entire arena of the relationship, to be the “self appointed arbiters” of the emotional, domestic and social elements of the coupling. The sex might be the man’s sole perquisite, but most guys live in their own homes on some sort of sufferance, especially when it comes to interior decoration, and sadly bars are full of men each night who don’t want to return home to their seemingly endlessly angry wives. In my experience, the endless power struggles are what “complicated” things for me, and most of my peers in the Mens’ Group.

    I see the article  the lovely Ms. Bydlowska is yet another  belittling  and disrespecting of men,  portraying us as spineless wimps for wanting what women have been telling us they want from us and what we should want since the  beginning of the so called “Sexual Revolution” in the 60’s which co-incided with the growth of popular Feminist  Movement. We have been told endlessly by the women in our lives to “be in touch with our emotions”, that we are “incapable of intimacy or sharing our feelings”, that we “mistake sex for love”, and now when  men are  finally learning about how to indentify and express our emotions we are still getting it wrong. Now women, we are being told, just want to fuck. I see us men twisting in the wind, unable to get it right even once in awhile by accident, while women  push us this way and that, changing the rules they establish for us, rearranging the minefields nightly which we are forced to navigate our ways through in our daily lives.

    I want  someone special and amazing to share the future with me. Empty sex is not doing a good job for me any more. I want a ONE woman realtionship with a high quality of emotional intimacy, tenderness, connection, for a real, adult relationship. Free of the  perpetual power  struggle.  I have chosen, to the chagrin of the woman I emailed just before reading the article saying just this, that I want someone to make love with, not merely a fuckbuddy. I am of the opinion that  “intimophobia”, (my word), the “fear of emotional vulnerability”, is not a gender trait, the sole characteristic of men, but a human one. My view is that most people do sex in order to avoid talking or getting to know each other, or (gasp), actually being emotionally  naked in front of each other. Sex is easy compared to that.

    Harry Steel, RMT and Mindfulness Coach

    • Nice one hairy Steel you sound sexy….
      kidding, seriously though she is just saying the women can and will be horny especially in their thirty’s.  

      • Thank you for your gracious compliment Imoan. I agree- everybody gets horny.  I have been horny since I discovered my “horn”, hahaha! I just want  high quality interactions, not emotionless fornication. That is not to say that in a committed relationship one cannot enjoy simply ****, on the contrary, “Loving Lust” has a very special picante for me, the  emotional safety making it  much easier for me to “get my freak on”!
        Also I’m not as “hairy” as I used to be.

    • By the way Dear Self Appointed Grammar Police, if you look  the word up in the Oxford English Dictionary, you’ll find that my description of my relationship history is indeed   “diversify or vary with elements of a different character”, in my case very mottled and yet sadly,  of an unvarying monotous dysfunction.



  2. i love the article J. you have expressed many thoughts that have been peculation in mind of late.
    however, i have to say that many of Harry’s thoughts are also right on the money.
    i think in the end it’s all knowing yourself and treating others with utmost respect.

    keep writing baby, you make me think.

  3. “But you guys don’t get it. You make everything so dramatic. Complicated.”
    I’ve been in a 5 year NSA arrangement with the mellowest  snowboarding/surfing/mountain biking/motorcycle-riding yogi.  He looks secure, but once in a while I (a 90 pound, 4’9 speck of a thing who wears size 4 shoes) has to reassure the 6 foot sport nut that “it really is just sex”.  This after 5 years and still going strong.

  4. So, no one else seems to get that the “you guys make things so dramatic, complicated” line was a wink, playing off what “typical” guys say, dismissively, to “typical” girls?

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