So, you’re meat and potatoes, and your girlfriend wants to be wrapped in cellophane and spanked with a kitchen utensil. Or whatever. Basically: You and the woman you’re bedding diverge on the proverbial spectrum of kink — with you hovering in the neighbourhood of vanilla, which is leaving you feeling prudish and insecure. Anxiety about being unable to please her is legitimate. Still, through openness, exploration and some good old-fashioned trial and error, you may surprise yourself and find a way to meet her, sexily, in the middle. Who knows, perhaps you’ll discover some long-repressed kinks of your own along the way. Here’s how to find out.
Stop judging
But really. We all have deep-seated hang-ups and conceptions of shame, be it via parental figures, religion or everyday (colossally average) Freudian repression. To combat these as best you can, probe your subconscious and try to pinpoint, then quiet, any prejudicial notions about what constitutes “normal” sexuality. Ask yourself: Beyond a knee-jerk gross-out reaction, why am I so fundamentally turned off by x? Say her submission fantasy makes you immensely uncomfortable; fair enough. But if you seek to uncover the preconceptions about gender and violence that both society and your particular experiences have impressed upon you, you might open up to things you previously considered too ‘out there.’ Whether it’s establishing a safe word or deciding you’re really not into it, at least your psyche will have given her kinks a fair shake.
Talk it out, don’t take it out
Keeping quiet about your respective preferences and comfort levels will only make things more awkward and, if she’s the one pushing to spice things up, make her feel alienated. Instead of waiting for a sexual misadventure’s post-mortem, pick a moment when you’re both clothed and clear-headed, for a frank discussion about: what it is you both want; what you’re willing to try; and what is definitely off the menu. This way, fantasies and fetishes get plainly ascertained, and you have the opportunity to set boundaries without the added vulnerability of being naked and/or sexually frustrated.
Do your research
Kinks can be intimidating, especially when they’re someone else’s, or involve copious amounts of leather. Still, in this day and age there’s no excuse for not knowing what a particular scenario looks like. If your girlfriend suggests, say, BDSM, and you wish you had a dictionary on hand, sit down — preferably with her, though solo also works — and take in the smorgasbord of related porn and sex intelligence the Internet has to offer. (For the former, you’re on your own, and we’re sure you’ll do fine. For the latter, here are two starter suggestions: Some really good tips on how to concretely approach getting kinkier, and some more tips, but from a woman’s magazine. Or, head to a sex shop and browse through some literature. Additionally, consider buying your closest male friend a beer and talking to him about it; you may be surprised at what he’s been doing and not telling you.
Stop thinking and try one
Perhaps she’s got a long list of fantasies she’s hankering to try. Pick what’s most appealing and least scary, take a deep breath — or a couple of shots — and give’r. Yeah, you might be clumsy and inexperienced, but a good girlfriend will guide you towards what she’s after. You might start to enjoy whatever dirty thing you’re experimenting with; if not, at least you can say you tried.
Show her yours
Even the most vanilla guy is bound to have some perverse desire buried deep within his subconscious. Or just a regular-type desire. Either way, by revealing the fantasy that’s kept you going since you were post-pubescent, you’ll build intimacy and create a safe platform from which to experiment.
FINALLY/The end?
If none of the above works and nobody’s getting off, at least you’ll discover sooner rather than later that your sexual incompatibility is too vast for the relationship to be salvaged. Not exactly a “bright side,” this, but it’s an overall positive nonetheless.
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Image courtesy of arhadetruit.
