Baby, it’s cold outside. And, besides enjoying a hot bubble bath and wearing a turtleneck, I can’t think of a better way to keep warm than by having sex. I know I’m not the only one. Thanks to all this “quality time” we’re spending indoors, it’s no wonder there are more kids born in July and August than any other month (not to freak you guys out or anything). Getting frisky with your honey will no doubt keep those winter blues at bay.
Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but with all these pheromones going around, there is bound to be some kind of sexual rut in your future. Sorry.
“The bedroom again?” One of you will inevitably groan. Even the living room loveseat will soon lose its proverbial charm. Next thing you know, you’ll be looking to movies, TV shows, books and old wives tales to spice things up.
But before you go all Steve Jobs-like with ideas and schemes to get the job done, I’m here to remind you that a lot of those so-called “hot” places to do it are so totally overrated.
It’s wet, it’s slippery. Pretty much seems like a no-brainer, right? Wrong. You wouldn’t drive, or even walk, to the corner store under wet and slippery conditions if you didn’t have to. And you want to know why? Because you’d die. Or, at the very least, slip and fall and break your knee, which is exactly what could happen if you even try to do any funny business in the shower.
It really comes down to science: all those sharp angles + a small space = jabbing in all the wrong places. Then there’s all that water flowing onto you. Blurry vision, burning eyes (if you’ve got shampoo mixed up in the scenario), and pruny skin are so not sexy. And don’t even think of going south on your partner—it’s like coming up for air underneath a waterfall. If you really want to do something in the shower together, stick to bathing. Washing your girlfriend’s hair is probably one of the most sensual acts you’re not doing.
I blame “From Here to Eternity” and that disgusting cocktail for this farce. Yes, the beach is very romantic. The water, the horizon, and the all-you-can-drink wristband around your wrist would make anyone horny. The issue here is with sand. And, like it or not, every beach has sand. It kind of has to. You know how annoying it is when you have sand stuck in your shoe? Well, imagine it being stuck up in some other crevice or two. Exactly: ouch.
Sure, you can prepare for sex on the beach and bring a towel or a blanket, but you know that towel isn’t going to be big enough, and, well, sand is still going to become between the two of you anyway. You can’t escape it. I’d opt for skinny dipping instead.
The Kitchen Floor
That scene in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” made doing it in the kitchen look hot, but they also destroyed the shit out of their home, and who can afford for that? The kitchen floor is hard, cold, and pretty unforgiving. Assuming you don’t mop everyday, it’s probably a little unsanitary, too. And if we’re going to go by that movie scene alone, one of you is bound to get a mild concussion once it’s all said and done. I’m all for sex wounds, but hospitalization is where I draw the line. If you really want to get down where you handle food, try the kitchen counter. But watch her head and the cupboards.
Like the shower, this is a pretty confined space that takes a lot of maneuvering if you want to do it right. It doesn’t matter if you drive a Beetle or a Buick, the backseat is going to be an awkward lay. I know Jack and Rose made it look all steamy in Titanic but they were in an old-timey car, and again, it’s movie magic. They don’t really care about logistics or the lack of one’s limberness. Height is a big factor here, too. If you’re a tall dude, there’s a good chance you’ll bump your noggin (see: kitchen floor). You can try sticking your head out of the sunroof, but that’s a little TMI for passers-by, and, well, it’s weird. If you must have her on the road, go for the front seat. You will have to factor in both the dashboard and the seatbelt getting in the way, but if you have the room to push the seat all the way back, you might be onto something (actually, it would work better if she’s on top of you).
Your Parents’ Bed
Believe it or not, this is a fantasy for some people. I can kinda get it if your parents’ bed is king-sized because with a bed the size of PEI, there are limitless positions and space to do all sorts of stuff. But . . . it’s your parents’ bed! Ugh! Look, I don’t care if it’s because of some vendetta or fetish you think you have to fulfill, the mere thought of picturing my parents—or anyone’s parents for that matter—having sex is reason enough to never do the deed again. So, just don’t do it there. Ever.
Brianne Hogan is a freelance writer based in Toronto, something of a humorist, and considers herself more Bridget Jones than Samantha Jones. Though she won’t reveal which parts, she will admit to liking emotionally unavailable men and drinking lots of wine. You can follow her on Twitter @briannehogan
Photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography.