How to Ruin Your Casual Hook-Up

Women aren’t as easy to lock down as they used to be. Now that their lives are filled with the joys of jobs, yoga classes and a 24-hour Food Network, chances are your hook-up doesn’t need you for anything more than wild, animalistic sex. To help you make the leap from wanton pleasure to a committed relationship, I’ve compiled a few ways to make her feel things.

Just follow these three easy steps and your life can become more complicated than you could ever imagine.

Lend her a book

You know a thing or two about her interests. You’ve had conversations (or skulked around her apartment looking for clues). Use that knowledge and lend her a book. This accomplishes two things: First, it’s an undisputed acknowledgement of her brain. By admitting that you know she has a brain, you’ve already elevated yourself from a collection of assorted body parts to a real, thinking, considerate human being. Second, it forces her to think of you. Either she reads the book, really loves it and thinks about how well you know her, or she reads the book, hates it, but still worries about getting food on it. Either way, she’s thinking about you. A lot.

Talk about your father

Girls don’t understand father-son relationships. They’re an emotionally repressed, testosterone-fueled mystery to us — and we want to get all up in those feelings. Bring it up casually. If you’re at a bar, ask her to play pool. Then say, “I like pool, because it’s the only game my father ever taught me.” Or, when you’re putting your clothes back on after sex, say something like, “I don’t like this watch very much, but it’s the only thing my dad ever gave me…” Most women will ignore your terrible delivery for a chance to get her hands on those delicious, repressed man-feelings. And never let go.

Get a cold

There’s nothing cuter than a man with a cold. In a matter of hours, they turn even the most macho characters into blithering babies needing a constant supply of warm soup and Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns. It’s adorable. Call her up and act helpless. “I can’t have sex with you this week, I have a terrible cold (sniffle). I’d love to, but I can’t even turn off the Space Channel and warm up soup.” She’ll come over and once she’s looked after you, it’s over. Trust me. She’s involved now. So get out there and lick a doorknob or two. Wear damp socks for a couple hours — just figure it out soon. Love is on the line.

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