The kid pulled my hair and called me Monkey. I asked him to marry me and he said, “No, thank you.” He was the perfect man for me: We were four. I was 17 when the boy who just finished having sex with me announced he was breaking it off, which made me want him even more than a minute-and-a-half before. Former boyfriend Mike used to tell me his ex was way hotter than I was, and I believe this was the glue that really made me stick to him (not to mention, ignore the fact that he threatened to kill himself by jumping out the second-storey window were I to leave him). Nothing does it for my friend G. like Tom, who repeatedly tells her he is in love with someone else.
My point is that insults and terrible treatment do work, and that women love jerks. (No, not all women, but yes, enough of us.) Honestly, we’d love to hate them instead, and they certainly deserve our scorn, but the truth is that kindergarten hair-pulling and Tom telling G. that he’s in love with someone else — stuff like that often turns us on.
I can’t promise that being a cretin will work with every woman. Try it at your own risk. Still, if you’re dying to know why you’re getting nowhere with your flowers and haikus, it’s possible that you’ve got yourself a girl who wants a jerk. If this is the case, here are five simple ways to offend us to the point of falling in love with you.
- Make fun of the way we talk. Make fun of our accent, or our bad grammar, or funny things we say because we’re from a rural area. If we have a hard time getting out that story about quantum physics we read, make sure you bombard us with questions about it (You can also say belittling things like “Who told you about it?”) until we’re completely tongue-tied. Then add something about how we should stick to Jessica Simpson.
- Make fun of the way we look. Our hair, is it dyed? Where did we get that dress, the Mennonite Special Sale? Comment on how “interesting” our makeup is and say something about lipstick on teeth. Point out “cute” shoes but make sure this is accompanied by a smirk. Remember, the Game is (always) about kicking our confidence in the shins.
- If in a group, talk loudly if we try to say something. Louder. Apologize. Repeat as soon as we start to talk again. (Crisis intervention: If we walk away frustrated, run after us and say something about “cute” shoes.)
- Talk about other women constantly. Whether it’s the bikini model on the cover of a magazine or a girl that just walked by, say something complimentary about her. (A personal favourite: my date’s commentary about other women’s nice nipples — and no, I’m not making this up.) If you want to make it extra-spicy, do look genuinely shocked if we get upset and say something about how you thought we were cooler than that (“that,” meaning, getting jealous).
- Don’t call when you say you will. Don’t show up on time. In fact, don’t show up, period.
These techniques shouldn’t be that difficult to apply in everyday situations; if you need more, there are entire sites devoted to the art of the insult. There are some really great thinkers out there — like Dimitri the Lover, or Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino — who have perfected offense to the point of art. In fact, watch just about any episode of Jersey Shore and pay special attention to how “The Situation” has developed this high art into a specialized version of push-and-pull (example: saying, “Those jeans do make you look fat” followed up with “Honey, don’t be like that, I was only kidding.”). Good luck, and happy insulting. Remember: Have fun!
Image courtesy of Mr. Story.