I Love Jerks

The kid pulled my hair and called me Monkey. I asked him to marry me and he said, “No, thank you.” He was the perfect man for me: We were four. I was 17 when the boy who just finished having sex with me announced he was breaking it off, which made me want him even more than a minute-and-a-half before. Former boyfriend Mike used to tell me his ex was way hotter than I was, and I believe this was the glue that really made me stick to him (not to mention, ignore the fact that he threatened to kill himself by jumping out the second-storey window were I to leave him). Nothing does it for my friend G.  like Tom, who repeatedly tells her he is in love with someone else.

My point is that insults and terrible treatment do work, and that women love jerks. (No, not all women, but yes, enough of us.) Honestly, we’d love to hate them instead, and they certainly deserve our scorn, but the truth is that kindergarten hair-pulling and Tom telling G. that he’s in love with someone else — stuff like that often turns us on.

I can’t promise that being a cretin will work with every woman. Try it at your own risk. Still, if you’re dying to know why you’re getting nowhere with your flowers and haikus, it’s possible that you’ve got yourself a girl who wants a jerk. If this is the case, here are five simple ways to offend us to the point of falling in love with you.

  • Make fun of the way we talk. Make fun of our accent, or our bad grammar, or funny things we say because we’re from a rural area. If we have a hard time getting out that story about quantum physics we read, make sure you bombard us with questions about it (You can also say belittling things like “Who told you about it?”) until we’re completely tongue-tied. Then add something about how we should stick to Jessica Simpson.
  • Make fun of the way we look. Our hair, is it dyed? Where did we get that dress, the Mennonite Special Sale? Comment on how “interesting” our makeup is and say something about lipstick on teeth. Point out “cute” shoes but make sure this is accompanied by a smirk. Remember, the Game is (always) about kicking our confidence in the shins.
  • If in a group, talk loudly if we try to say something. Louder. Apologize. Repeat as soon as we start to talk again. (Crisis intervention: If we walk away frustrated, run after us and say something about “cute” shoes.)
  • Talk about other women constantly. Whether it’s the bikini model on the cover of a magazine or a girl that just walked by, say something complimentary about her. (A personal favourite: my date’s commentary about other women’s nice nipples — and no, I’m not making this up.) If you want to make it extra-spicy, do look genuinely shocked if we get upset and say something about how you thought we were cooler than that (“that,” meaning, getting jealous).
  • Don’t call when you say you will. Don’t show up on time. In fact, don’t show up, period.

These techniques shouldn’t be that difficult to apply in everyday situations; if you need more, there are entire sites devoted to the art of the insult. There are some really great thinkers out there — like Dimitri the Lover, or Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino — who have perfected offense to the point of art. In fact, watch just about any episode of Jersey Shore and pay special attention to how “The Situation” has developed this high art into a specialized version of push-and-pull (example: saying, “Those jeans do make you look fat” followed up with “Honey, don’t be like that, I was only kidding.”). Good luck, and happy insulting. Remember: Have fun!

Image courtesy of Mr. Story.


11 thoughts on “I Love Jerks”

  1. I was 12 the first time I asked a boy to “go around” with me. Well, I sent my friend across the playground to ask him for me. He sent her back with a message: “Tell her to go fuck herself.” Boy, was he dreamy. I’ve fallen in love with guys just like that ever since.

  2. A boy told me I was fat, ugly and useless when I was 10. I fell in love immediately. All women love jerks.

  3. Ok, if this is just humour and irony (and I’d tend to think that with Russell Smith at the helm of this website, it’s all cooler than cool lame-ass Toronto irony) then yep, it’s really funny. But honestly, most men AREN’T that smart. They are going to take this literally. The girls that want this type of a relationship are damaged and FU**KED UP. The only relationship they need is with their therapist. So, for the love of god, men: DO NOT treat women like this. You’re mantra should be ‘chivalry is not dead’. And Russell Smith (or whoever is at the helm), I’m not asking you to go all feminist or anything like that, just appreciate what a disservice this does for women. Apologies for the shitty grammar, ya got me all worked up.

  4. Given that the writer herself and perhaps a fair portion of her friends have self-esteem issues, this article carries little weight with me. This is a great article if you’re willing to put a young lady through hell if only to jump in her box for a couple nights. One will not meet ‘nice girls’ with this tactic. Nice girls realize that nice guys don’t play silly games like this.

  5. This is honestly just about the dumbest piece of writing I’ve ever laid eyes on. To the writer and any other women who claim that you find jerks sexy, a newsflash: you don’t. You have serious self-esteem issues and because you think you’re worthless, you seek out other individuals who reinforce the way you feel about yourself. I’ll bet the majority of your friends are also either fellow mopey types, or also treat you like garbage.

    Get a life, and quit trying to spread garbage like this as factual information. In a normal relationship, where both people generally have their heads screwed on straight and treat each other like gold because they love each other, it’s perfectly normal for a man or a woman to tell their partner if they find another human being attractive, or to occasionally poke gentle fun at the other person so long as it’s not about something they’re self-conscious about. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll be able to get your head out of your own ass and enjoy life and relationships a bit more.

  6. Why would anyone think that the writer is serious? What’s wrong with you, people? This is called “irony”. Geez.

  7. Anyone who ever uses the word “nice” to describe another person, let alone three times in two sentences, is assuredly a boring, pathetic individual with a piss-poor vocabulary and barren bookshelf.

    Get a goddamned grip, Brett.

  8. Guy or girl, no such thing as a person who does not have self-esteem issues at some level. There is as much truth in this piece as there is (intentional) farce. Honestly, is it THAT hard to tell?

  9. When I first saw ‘I love jerks” I thought is was about where to get good Jamaican chicken. Instead I’m treated to yet another crapfest of what some broad thinks will get me more pussy. Fuck off. The worst advice in the world comes from women, reality TV sit-coms and rom-coms have poisioned their brains. Here’s the facts do what you want and don’t give a crap what a women say’s or thinks, that way you get what you want and she either likes it or not either way you get what you want.

  10. heh heh why would you think I love jerks is about jerk chicken??? hilar. and if you see women only in terms of “pussy” you probably already do get what you deserve

  11. Yeah, Andrew, sure, because when I want to tell people that I love jerk chicken, what I say is, “I love jerks.”

    So, completely understandable that you found the title of this article misleading. That picture must have really thrown you for a loop-de-loop too!

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