This week finds me under pressure from my mother and fiancée to wear a boutonniere at the wedding. So far I’ve refused. I would rather keep the groom uniform as clean and unadorned as possible, going with a classic black shawl tuxedo with white shirt, black bow tie and black cummerbund.
The guy in that picture is wearing a jacket a size too big for him, but you get the idea.
I believe this to be the Platonic ideal of a formal men’s outfit. To me it sort of gives off a Frank Sinatra vibe. I like the getup so much I’m actually going to buy it. It makes sense at around $400 for the suit (which is Ralph Lauren, 100% cotton, made in the U.S.A. — wow!). That is only a little more expensive than renting. Later there will be all kinds of occasions when I’ll be able to wear a tux: dinner at Swiss Chalet, job interviews, camping…
Catching the odd stupid wedding TV show of my fiancée’s while sitting next to her on the couch, I’ve been reminded that many grooms cannot resist the showy, peacocky outfits that line rental shop walls and threaten to make any groom look like a complete tool. Such as:
Do you want to get married or make wine recommendations? It’s OK to be a waiter in real life, but not at your wedding.
• Tails, black:
You’re saying, “I don’t get out enough to know how people actually dress in the 21st century. I got this idea from Bugs Bunny cartoons.”
“I think I’m Hugh fucking Grant.” Perhaps you are, in that you are both huge wankers. Combine it with a top hat and you become the Earl of Wankershire.
That doesn’t make you look modern or cutting-edge, it makes you look like a 14-year-old who cannot resist the allure of anything colourful thrust before his eyes. It is the opposite of maturity. Don’t do it.
Finally, if you do this, you probably have a goatee and deserve to.
The lesson lies in the photo above. That’s what I wore for Halloween. Just remember that.
Image courtesy of Jamie McDowell