The Skinny on Swimsuits

It’s properly balmy, and swimming season is in full swing, which means that unless you find a very convincing flesh-toned wetsuit, it’s going to be tough to conceal the fact that your physique isn’t quite geometrically perfect. Luckily, you’ve got us to bring you the tips – and suits – you need to get through summer’s hottest weeks in style. Herewith, the body-type specific guide to swimwear.


Sink: Who wears short shorts? You shouldn’t: They’ll lengthen your already-lanky limbs.
Relatively slim-fitting trunks that land about two inches above your knee. Bold colours mean your suit – not your scrawny bod – will draw attention. Modern Amusement Spring Break Boardie, $97.


Sink: Avoid elastic waistbands like you’ve been avoiding the gym: They’ll accentuate your softest points.
Swim: A flat front suit with a drawstring. And keep it dark – black or navy will slim; red and white stripes will not. Land’s End Cargo Board Shorts, $28. (And, for a coupon)


Sink: Long, baggy shorts will make you look like you’re going for your blue badge.
Swim: Lengthen your stumpy legs in a suit with vertical stripes; it should reach about halfway to your knees. Parke and Ronen, Khaki La Rochelle, $105.


Sink: A Speedo; we don’t need to see quite so much of your God-given gifts.
Swim: Understated trim trunks. The pipes speak for themselves. American Apparel Board Short, $42.

Monstrously Ugly

Sink: Probably.
Swim: A flashy, distracting suit will reduce your chances of sending children away in tears. Vilebrequin Multi-Colour Jungle Elephant Trunk, $265.

Image courtesy of Bengt E Nyman.


2 thoughts on “The Skinny on Swimsuits”

  1. Having just returned from several days at a Holiday Inn in Niagara Falls and having spent some time by the pool, all I can say to this article is “AMEN.” Unfortunately I doubt if any of the gentlemen who let it all hang out, hang out by their computers reading the You failed in your comments to mention something I saw — probably because it was too monstrous for your imaginations — the mesh suit. I am hoping time will ease the memory of the sight…. The only good news is that even slightly overweight, I looked better than most of the guys there, so if you need an ego boast, go swimming in a hotel pool in any hotel in any vacation destination. You’ll walk away quite proud of youself!

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