Checking You Out

There’s hot and then there’s hotness. The summer is in full swing and, as usual, you’ve some questions about what women like to see in terms of your body. (Right? These are questions that keep you up at night, right? Right?) Has there been any sudden update on male body-hair trending in the Secret Girl Network of which you’re not aware? What about Speedos? Can you wear them ironically again this summer, or are they a serious deal now? Please, worry no longer, my gentle man: We’ve visited a few beaches and a couple of public pools in the name of this very important research. Now, we have some findings that, hopefully, will clear some things up.

Not yet. Sorry.

Razors Down
Yes, body hair seems to be indeed back in style. Not just beards. Chests and bellies seem to enjoy a truly ’70s revival, although a hairy back is still out of luck. Back hair situation hasn’t changed for decades now so if you’re sporting a nice raccoon coat or even a little tuft here and there, please stop.

Wet Metalhead
A peculiar trend, Wet Metalhead wears skin tight knee-length shorts, long hair and wet.

Yes, at the pool. Irony is not apparent at first until you spot the rectangular glasses perched on top of head.

Boxer Shorts
Same deal as always. Boring but safe. Works for anyone from age two to 92. The patterns seem to be, thankfully, more muted than before, so if you’re still sporting the Ed Hardy tattoo patterns, consider donating to the local gang and go shopping for something to match the tiles in the pool.

Hipster Wet
Surprisingly, the hipster uniform (skinny shorts, shirt, coat-hanger chest) is fine at the public pool or on the beach. It’s the equivalent of curvy-girl’s skirt-on-bathing suit, as both are clear indicators that you might have some body issues (don’t, girls like skinny boys, too!).

Short Shorts
Not quite Speedo and not quite boxer short, these are a girl’s wet dream, especially if paired with Robert Pattison. I mean, who cares what body you insert in them? Own it and strut, and we’ll overlook that pot belly in favour of healthy self-confidence.

Wet T-shirt
Another version of Hipster Wet, a t-shirt at the pool or the beach signals some body issues, but may also suggest secret back hair as well a giant tat of a swastika. In general, it’s slightly intriguing but it’s also a bit of a bummer, as any body is beautiful in its own way, and who wants sit there and worry about the potential horrors underneath the shirt?

Image courtesy of sopasnor.

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1 thought on “Checking You Out

  1. Are we living in a bubble? Or is Toronto’s so called hip people so self-conscious that they cannot wear what they like. If you are in great shape and have a humble attitude, yet confident, why not wear what you like. Women flaunt their crotch spreads, bums and boobs, so what’s their problem with men in good shape that are straight, wearing less? Look at the rest of the western world and assimilate.

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